Journey of a thousand miles

2008-01-02T23:00:00.000+08:00

Almost 2 years plus... 250 over post...

and this place is coming to an end...

I'm moving all the serious stuff off here... occasionally I might still update my life here... but no longer will I show myself here...

The real me is going to another site... if you seriously wanna know... then ask... though I doubt many would... search for it if you think you're capable of finding it...

haiz~ It didn't have to be this way... but you guys have betrayed my honesty and trust...

gd bye...

Knocked up

2008-01-01T14:55:00.000+08:00

I've been knocked up all over... Physically, mentally, spiritually.

Haiz~ won't you talk to me?

Dream in 2008

2008-01-01T07:18:00.000+08:00

First dream of 2008 and I really wanted to log this before leaving the house.

"I saw her and her brother at the arcade. I met them just before the racing machine. She was excited and all smiles. She eagerly said, "Hey! Look at my necklace and how it spins." She happily took off the heart shaped necklace she always wore. She seemed younger than I had remembered. She placed the ends of the necklace, made of interloping metal links, in one hand and her other gently supporting the heart shaped pendent in the middle. She showed how as you shorten the chainlink and then gently pulled it, the heart shaped pendent would then twirl around.

"see?" She squeaked in her cute, excited voice.

I missed it. truth be told. I gave her that incredulous, 'so-what' look. She scrunched up her lips and stuck out her tongue.

Taking the necklace into my own hands, I tried it for myself. And I saw it. Just the last half turn, where the pendent turned halfway. I told her I finally saw what fascinated her, my words falling on her back as she sat down at the racing arcade machine.

"I have to go" I reluctantly said. She signaled to her brother 'soccer?' and her brother nodded in reply.

I fumbled to get the two ends in my hands and then gently wrapped the necklace around her neck. I struggled for a while with the clasp before succeeding in securing the piece. As I tried to straighten up, the rather long, loose end of the clasp had caught unto my shirt pocket. We both chuckled at that as I dislodged the metal bit.

She turned and smiled good bye. The eyes that I would remember as yours, that credibly infectious smile. All I remember as I turned and walked out... "

Heh... It was a nice dream. Between my 700 alarm and my 705 alarm. I won't reveal the identity of the mystery girl but the clues as to who she is, is all inside the dream itself. All I can say is that its not who you think it is.

Perhaps it means something, perhaps nothing.

But it was a much better start to 2008.

"I have to go."

hidden messages???

New year

2008-01-01T01:57:00.000+08:00

It is a new year. Though I rather not use the word happy.

One year ago, at watchnight I sat in the pews. Watching a story unfold. I still have that picture from then.

One year on, and I've become a participant. Not a position that I like though...

One year later what will happen? who knows?

And it was not a good way to start the new year either. I heard things that made me wonder if you lied to me, Told me things just to patronize me. I explained it away that you probably meant elsewise or that the person got the wrong message. I choose to believe in you. That you at the least, would be truthful.

But nevertheless, it has thrown another mild conflict into my mind. But all that's temporary. I know you. You wouldn't. I trust that...

The last day of 2007 has been one of those take forever to get by kind of day. I only pray that it doesn't happen so often in 2008... Laying in bed thinking of everything about you...

1602... A very important number...

slow and bumpy start to 2008...

A lesson in trust

2007-12-31T11:44:00.000+08:00

Lately, I've learnt a lesson in trust. Trusting in God is not a passive thing. It is not where we do nothing and then let God settle everything. That IS true but not in the way that we say that statement. We have let it become an excuse for not caring, and just to sit back and relax.

Trusting in God should mean that we no longer trust our ways but trust in His ways. Meaning we follow His plans. And following His plans is not a passive, 'do-nothing' kinda thing, but an proactive approach. First to seek what God wants to do, then to do what His plans are. If He says to do nothing, then do nothing. If He says to do something, then by all means do it!

Saying we trust in God to make it beautiful doesn't mean we should just do whatever we want and let God clean up behind us. While He can and He will do that, He surely has a better plan and a more beautiful way. Lets not limit God to only being able to work when things are messed up by us. A friend said it well. "Being disobedient doesn't alter God's love for us. But it does make us go a bigger loop before receiving what God has installed for us."

I admit this is hardest of all. To know what God wants and to do what He wants. And its crazy, especially if its something that the world will sneer at.

But trusting God means finding His assurance and His peace even as we do what He has planned. And when it gets difficult, to trust in Him more. To lean upon His strength and not our own. To know that He will work through us, and also through other vessels and methods.

Trusting God is a hard thing for a fallible human to do. Yet it can only be the most beautiful thing to do. Who am I, but a vapor in the wind? A speck in the cosmos? Yet the Creator of all things would mark me and set me apart.

Lord, help me know Your will. And to trust You for it. Amen

trust in 2008

Love

2007-12-31T00:30:00.000+08:00

Today its harder. Much harder. The cries of a lonely night.

I feel strained to my limit. I don't think I can give any more.

But yet I must remember I relie on only One.

He alone completes me.

Though my heart yearns, He will understand.

In His time, He will make all things beautiful.

In His time, He will make you even more beautiful.

I must see beyond the today and the now. For with everything related to God, its always about an eternity.

So as I grow myself for your sake, so I would remember that the ultimate goal is Him.

I cannot live my life thinking only of now.

I must remember an eternity exist, that tomorrow is not too far away.

God made you a treasure, don't just give your heart away to someone who's not meant to have it for all eternity.

Don't ruin the pearl before it forms.

Tonight I reach my limits.

Only Your grace is enough.

And I will live on, to love another day.

What can I do or say to let you know that you're special to me. More than just another person.

God grant me your grace.

special one...

Nails

2007-12-30T01:01:00.000+08:00

Cell Dinner was a blast. And I believed everyone who ate the salad is still alive. So that's a good sign...

Games was pretty fun too.... The forfeits were... interesting... Heh

I feel a little off now. Gut instincts are telling me something. But I could be wrong. It seems I am mostly correct and only I truly doubt myself. Maybe I'll find out...

I feel blue.

At least my nails look pretty. Hah (So wrong, I will not say that again)

I finally remember the line I was trying to remember yst, from the song from enchanted. Its not good enough to take the one you love for granted. Heh... Been listening to a lot of the enchanted OST.

I'm halfway thru my book. And I reached this wonderful chapter. Hard to say it out here. But something about guarding your heart for the person that you'll spend the rest of your life with. Of course this was written for ladies, but in the middle they had a portion on what Godly men look for in a woman. They gave the illustration that every woman is a pearl. And a real man would not seek to attain the pearl prematurely. But to wait for God's timing, and to wait patiently till she would give the prize willingly. And then to cherish that prize forever.

If a relationship is not intended for forever, then every short term relationship we have just serves to tear out bits of us. Damaging the prize for the one who should truly receive it. Faithfulness begins even before you meet the person. Preparing for the day that God will bring that person in.

I love this book. Realistic yet beautiful. The way it should be. It should always make sense, yet give the idea that there is a perfect picture for everything.

I give a quote from the book that I thought was rather interesting, "If I'm interested in a girl, it may be frustratin if she doesn't fall for me right away, but deep down I am all the more intrigued be the challenge of winning her heart." I mean, if you look at this the right way, its like pretty 'wow'.

The book says a lot lot more. So it might seem its a bit lopsided based on what I've given here, but the book balances it out pretty well. A lot of food for thought.

love is in the giving...

Must Love Dogs

2007-12-29T04:15:00.001+08:00

I did my trial test of the caesar salad. And I tell you I almost died when I ate it. It was heavenly. Wahahahah:D (self praise is international disgrace) No larh. It was good. It was edible (important first criteria) and it tasted like how I thought caesar salad should taste like. A few improvements to make but it should be fine. I love cooking. Its rather fun :) Best is when you taste your own cooking or you see other people eat it and their eyes go big and they like it :) So a pretty full afternoon tomorrow preparing the croutons and stuff... but think I'm going to need a super BIG bowl considering the amount I ate.

So as I was eating my home made caesar salad, I watch "Must Love Dogs" which I rented from ezy video. I love this show. The characters are super kooky. Jake and Sarah. And I guess Romantic movies have the same effect on me. Hm... I liked it when Jake said, while describing his image of Sarah "... she's a mess. It's lovely." Something like that. "Moment of connection."

Of course the morals for the show leave a lot to be desired for. But I still love the romantic notions of love. It paints a beautiful picture. But I guess my Father's picture is way way better. I guess the works of our hands (movies, books, paintings, etc. ) give but a small little glimpse of the beauty side of love. "The sweeter song" as a book called it. Have we traded the most beautiful side of love for a cheap image of it?

"How does she know that you love her?" Not take her for granted. Little things. Finding new ways to tell her. A little everyday.

Okay... I'm beginning to lose my coherency. Shall hit the sack, for a new day is dawning~!!

toss, toss, toss...

State of neutrality

2007-12-28T13:44:00.000+08:00

I'm in neutral now. Things weighing down on both sides has pushed me into the admittance of a neutral state. I cannot bring myself to say okay because I ain't truly alright. Neither can I being myself to say I'm depressed because there has been good things as well. So I'm forced into a state of neutrality.

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. And I can't seem to find the answers. Not within me anyway. Maybe from an outside source bah. Ministry. Person. God. I'm scared to follow through in case I'm wrong, in case I be called a fool.

But before I forget. I really wanna thank God for my academics. I think its a mini miracle really. and in itself, I'm happy. But seeing others kinda take the edge of it a bit.

I'm glad the house is empty today. I can make as much noise as I want. Rather than to be quiet. I can talk to myself. Then at least the silence will be chased away, and I can talk about the stuff I wanna talk about.

I realised emo-alpha doesn't really like happy-alpha. Seems weird to him, the way that happy-alpha is. As for me, I don't really know which alpha I prefer. Maybe its just because I don't see a lot of happy-alpha so it seems a little weird on hindsight. So for people who have seen my smile and laugh a lot, its a privilege hor~ Even I don't find that often...

Am not sad, am not happy. In between. A state of neutrality.

*edit*

Something has tipped the balance. I'm leaning towards happy now. Why? Its kinda complicated.
Ask me and see if I can explain it. hehz:P

Hope you had a blast of a day.

balancing act...

2007-12-28T00:50:00.000+08:00

Its a quiet thursday with nothing much happening. It was a nice and lovely day. Time to just do stuff. I packed my room somewhat. If I tell you the reason for my sudden cleanliness impulse, I bet you you'll laugh.

It was not the only impulse today. I had many ideas coming into my mind. A lot about ministry. Some about people. Some very nice. Some really stupid. Hahah. I wonder if I'll do them all. Who knows?

Love actually was just showing. Its a fun show to watch. Laughing to myself and the television screen. A prime minister who searches the streets. A guy who learns another language and flies to another country. A little boy bursting through airport security. And of course the guy who fell in love with keira knightly but was too late. "without hope or agenda" Haiz~ what words to have. Christmas day~ "Its the day you tell the truth..." Something like that...

I love the songs too.
All I Want For Christmas Is You (Mariah Carey)

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There's just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true...
All I want for Christmas
Is you...

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I don't need to hang my stocking
There upon the fireplace
Santa Claus won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you...
You baby

I won't ask for much this Christmas
I won't even wish for snow
I'm just gonna keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe
I won't make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Nick
I won't even stay awake to
Hear those magic reindeer click
'Cause I just want you here tonight
Holding on to me so tight
What more can I do
Baby all I want for Christmas is you
You...

All the lights are shining
So brightly everywhere
And the sound of children's
Laughter fills the air
And everyone is singing
I hear those sleigh bells ringing
Santa won't you bring me the one I really need
Won't you please bring my baby to me

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see baby
Standing right outside my door
Oh I just want him for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
Baby all I want for Christmas is
You

All I want for Christmas is you baby
[repeat]

And then the little boy's face was quite funny at the end of this nice song.

One more...
Both Sides Now (Joni Mitchell)

Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere, i've looked at cloud that way.
But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone.
So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions i recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions i recall.
I really don't know love at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud,
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way.
But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say
I've changed.
Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose, and still somehow
It's life's illusions i recall.
I really don't know life at all

I believe this was the song that played as keira knightley's character found out that the guy liked her. With the whole videotape and stuff. "but you never talked to me!" That teaches you to be careful about what you leave lying around even if its just at home. Wahaha:D

Haiz~ results...

love actually is everywhere...

2007-12-26T19:30:00.000+08:00

Bad dreams, getting waken up abruptly to buy dinner, listening to sad songs, and cold fries, make it real easy to be emo.
So I am now emo.

I've got questions. Selfish questions I guess. I've got stuff to say. Personal stuff.
I don't know how to handle these. Shall go figure.

uncertainties are trying to wreck me. Hard work is fine, uncertainty is unsettling. Who likes to work without knowing what will happen. Yet, it is my joy to do so. I do wish to know what will happen but thats near impossible. So I work on faith and trust. They shall be my fuel.

Haiz~ talk to me tomorrow. Out of sorts right now... Tomorrow the emo-ness will pass though the thoughts remain. Smilez all around.

*edit*

A bit of cartoon and soccer helped quite a bit...
Go Manchester! If I like something, I usually wear it on my sleeve, wahaha. But I haven't gotten the newest jersey yet... > < over 100 dollars... and this month isn't the month to try and start saving for it...

I realised lately I keep editing my post. Not like an add-on. But as in actually edit the wordings for the originals without indicating it. So if you come back like an hour or so later, you might actually find my original posts getting a re-phrase. heheh. Try to make sure I don't say things wrongly... So it'll pay to re-read again for changes! hahahz

Tired, but not so keen on sleeping. Sleeping has been a little whacked for me lately. Can't get to like just sleep as much as I want. Always falling short... Don't know why.

Hiding...

2007-12-26T12:39:00.000+08:00

My mind is not where I'm at.

I wonder what is going through that mind.

I wonder if I'll ever know.

But I wait.

Because that's all I can do.

To let you know I'm waiting

aWith my hand out-stretched.

To share the burden of your thoughts.

don't let me wait too long, lest i think you've forgotten...

But I know you won't.

so here I stand,

waiting.

corner of the street...

Christmas

2007-12-25T22:22:00.000+08:00

Today has indeed been a merry Christmas. I would have given anything for a special Christmas. And seeing situation as it is, I think its as close as it gets to being good.

I took a moment today to remember Christmas one year ago. Lunch at a place in paragon. A long table full of people, and me trying to calculate the bill. Just a few tables away, but the minds were worlds apart. Two lives on different paths not meeting nor intersecting. Each not really knowing the other, besides a few simple laughs and interactions. Both were just ideas to each other. So close were two lifes, yet so far. One year on, how things have changed. So far, yet nearer. How drastic one year can be. I wonder what it would have been like if the time frame had been a year earlier. I wonder one year from now, on Christmas of 2008, what will I be thinking. What will I be reflecting on. What will have changed. Trust and Faith in the Ultimate Plan. My wish, my dreams.

Christmas is the perfect excuse to give. I ain't worried about how wide spread my name is becoming. So long as my actions match my feelings.
But I feel bad. I only managed to get cards for people and some chocolate marshmallow thingy. No presents for people. So sorry peeps.

And I'm super super tired. Haven't had chance to catch up on sleep. Waking for service on sunday, waking for a call on monday and then waking super early today so I can get everything done before people started leaving their houses. But its all worth it :) Smiles all around for people!!

And the day was a bit dippy after 10 a.m. service. But I had a great afternoon. Wandering around with the little girl. Talking about people we know. Sharing a bit. Me falling asleep. Us waiting for violent girl. Watching movie. Eating dinner. Them teasing me about smiling while looking at my phone. Seeing the little girl at the edge of wakefulness.

And the response was much better than I thought. Stand there and laugh. :D

Seeing people laugh and smile has been great. Esp. so when some smiles are sweeter than others.

I hope tomorrow doesn't drop too suddenly. Don't punch me out or kick out my legs from under me. Have a feeling it will, hoping it wouldn't.

What have you decided? What will you do? Will you do whatever is necessary even though its tough to? Will you not mindlessly get swept by the current? Is it a memory or a feeling? A looking forward or a looking back? Are you just continuing what you started for the sake of it? What is the purpose and the end product? Just try and see how? Or reaching for the end line? Saying God 'bless my plans'? Or asking God 'what is Your's?' ?

Many questions but I trust in God's work in you.

And God has a way of telling you stuff. I asked for a prayer on one thing and God turns it around. Instead, telling me what I needed to hear instead of what I wanted to. God I will ponder more. And I have tried. Opening just a creak in the door. God guide me, God lead me.

beauty in your eyes...

CCM

2007-12-25T01:24:00.000+08:00

CCM! I'm love contemp. christian music. The lyrics are so meaningful and the songs are nice! So far I've gotten Casting Crowns' newest album. And I love it... just let me put up three songs I think are really cool...

What This World Needs lyrics

What this world needs is not another one hit wonder with an axe to grind
Another two bit politician peddling lies
Another three ring circus society
What this world needs is not another sign waving super saint that's better than you
Another ear pleasing candy man afraid of the truth
Another prophet in an Armani suit

What this world needs is a Savior who will rescue
A Spirit who will lead
A Father who will love them in their time of need
A Savior who will rescue
A Spirit who will lead
A Father who will love
That's what this world needs

What this world needs is for us to care more about the inside than the outside
Have we become so blind that we can't see
God's gotta change her heart before He changes her shirt
What this world needs is for us to stop hiding behind our relevance
Blending in so well that people can't see the difference
And it's the difference that sets the world free

Jesus is our Savior, that's what this world needs
Father's arms around you, that's what this world needs
That's what this world needs

Slow Fade lyrics

Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day

The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see

Prayer For A Friend lyrics

Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You
Complicated circumstances have clouded his view
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hear
I pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincere
Lord, I lift my friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You
My best friend in the world, I know he means much more to You
I want so much to help him, but this is something he has to do
And Lord, I lift my friend up to You

'cause there's a way that seems so right to him
But You know where that leads
He's becoming a puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings
Lord, I lift my friend up to You
My friend up to You

Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do
I lift my friend to You

The songs don't have a particular reference or reason why I like them... I just do~

----------------

Good advice and meaningful talks. I pray that you'll honor God above all else. And if I could... the last song, I dedicate it to you. Godspeed!

----------------

Finally done with christmas stuff. It should be fun and hopefully well received by their respective people. Quick nap and then an early dawn calls.

I finished the cards much faster than I thought. Be honored if you get one! Wahahah:D

Am off to bed.

Merry Christmas peeps!
May His love shine upon this festive season.
God loves and keeps.

beauty in a flower...

J

2007-12-22T23:07:00.000+08:00

Camp has ended. And I'm exhausted. For many reasons. Firstly having to do so much... Secondly, being in charge, thirdly, you.

I'm amazed by how much it occupies me. How much I enjoy being near you. And everything about you.

And I'm scared to close my eyes. Because if I fall asleep and wake up tomorrow, I might find that you're gone. Each moment is precious like a pearl, because they are rare and I might never find them again. I'm afraid to look up and find that you're gone.

Many words till the sun broke the night. Laughter and seriousness. I like making you laugh. At least for a moment, you weren't so guarded. It felt like the real you was there. And it felt like the real me was there too. 2 friends. Sharing, telling. If anything, for a moment my burdens lifted as I sought to know you. I so hope you wouldn't close on me. Sometimes people got to deal with the fact that people actually have friends and confidantes that they talk to, and they really shouldn't be insecure. Furthermore, because the other person already promised and she will and can do that.

Sometimes, I think, people can't do the things they say.

I've decided I'll wait. What's a few years. Love is patient right? I have to work on Love does not envy though...

And my radar is always active... My ears and eyes pick up any hints of your presence. I shall try not to look though... probably irks you some what...

the soft glow of the candle, embraces your face, the beauty of the flame reflecting in the sweetness of your eyes.

I wonder what you're thinking. You've told me some. And I cherish it so much. Honesty.

And I wonder if you're thinking it good, bad or insignificant. The convo, I mean. In the end, nothing much really changed. But at least now I know some part of your mind.

Don't avoid me. Don't ignore me. Don't push me away. Don't hate me. Please. I ask this. Are you ignoring me now? Don't think so... must be a reason...

I'm scared to show my smile, lest you forget me. I'm scared to show you my tears, lest your detest me...

Asking God to help me love more without expecting a return. Unconditional. Sacrificial.
------------------------

I know this post like quite depressing... Camp was great. The activities were fun and everything... but if you wanna know more then ask me. I did have fun, and I did learn stuff. I just don't post them here.

I tend to post stuff I want to or stuff that's bothering me badly. So that's why it may seem lopsided sometimes...

Love is in the giving.

Not for an outcome or response. Just because I want to love you.
That simple.

expanding my heart's limits...

2007-12-19T01:29:00.000+08:00

Me and my big mouth. In danger now... Thread carefully my friend.

I'm feeling whimsical lately. All ready to spout romantic nonsense. Hahah.

Am feeling a bit weak... sick and tired I think... God, help...

Don't stop. Please. Sort it out. Door, please don't close~

full steam~!

Famous Happy End

2007-12-17T23:57:00.000+08:00

I watched Enchanted! I loved the beginning and then the end also... Everybody looks so much nicer as an animated character! hahahaz... I wonder what animated Alphonsus will look like... hm~

I love Fairy Tales. I love feel-good shows. A little hope always bodes well. Even though I guess fairy tales don't happen in real life, I think we can come damn close. I guess the Fairy Tale ending of Happily Ever After, will only come when our Prince comes to take us into eternity. And maybe Fairy Tales reflect that sort of desire. Because if we're not hoping for a happy ending, then life is pointless and a waste of time. Its just a little further off, waiting at the threshold of eternity.

Meanwhile, we try. For a little happy ending. Or at least just a little happy. I know what makes me happy. And I know what makes you happy.

I see a dream. But I think its different from others. at least different from yours. But whats years compared to eternity.

I absolutely loved the ballroom scene. "So Close". I felt a truckload of feelings. Haiz. Lost, Desire, Love, Hurt, Pain, Longing, Etc.

Jon Mclaughlin - So Close lyrics

You’re in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

I just love this song SO much... But its a song I can't sing... It just doesn't fit...

I love application. But it didn't fit... But applying helps me sympathise I guess.

I saw two things as I watched that ballroom scene. Where do I stand? What do I see? I saw me dancing. And I saw me looking at you dance. Is this how it feels? so close yet so far...

Aiz... today I let slip... Too indulged in the movie liao... hahahaz...

if you had asked me why, I would say it was my job... But then that wouldn't have been totally the truth... "I don't wanna close my eyes... cause I miss you, baby and I don't wanna miss a thing..." Hahahz, song-crazy...

SO tempting to show-hand. I am a crazy fellow who does crazy stuff... But... I have the same fears and insecurities as anyone else... But, thats for me to know and for you to ask...

How can she look like you? that's impossible!! But seeing her pulls me back across to the other face. Am I going nuts or do I need sleep?

I think I might eatch enchanted again. Just for that ballroom scene. if after camp they're still showing... I'm going!!

Famous Happy End...

2007-12-16T23:52:00.001+08:00

Long day~ But I shall not complain, so no mention of the hours or whatever. It is worth it! For this cause!

I like rice! Fragrant and soft. hee!!

What I would give to read minds this weekend. To know the thoughts and reactions. Attentions directed. But I guess I can't. So I trust.

Temptations to say things... so horrible... shhhhhhh... "don't ruin it."

Manchester United are now top... And for the first time in a long while, I hope chelsea wins.

I hate handphones at the moment. For a really stupid reason. > < Ask me if you wanna know what. for all the convenience... They are driving me nuts.

And then I seriously could find better things to talk about! Making stupid comments, and sounding so argumentative, when actually I'm not. I think I'm trying too hard to be normal and then its not me liao... Mental note to self, say something nicer and smarter next time round!

monster taxi driver. Thank God I'm alive.

I swear its the softener...

1 bottle for 30 cents, 5 bottles for a dollar...

I really need to work on singing... I will get better. I love to sing!!

Seems like a lot of one liners today...

No need to look for hidden lines, not one today.

Trusting is when you open youself to be hurt.

Power without control is useless, power without direction is pointless.

Alfonso and now this week, Alfondue. seriously! what other nicknames can we come up with...

You make me happy.

Out of hundreds over a few years. I read 2 and already I cannot take it... how did I do it last time round. How to find the information I'm looking for?

okok, last random line liao, forgot what else I wanted to say...

dunamis...

Normal

2007-12-15T23:51:00.000+08:00

Normal is good. Appreciative of what little I get... Because I know what its like to lose it. So to have it... means the world. What ever is happening underneath, I can only trust and believe in the goodness of you.

one day down! A few more to go. And then camp! Lets light this place up! and paint the town red! Fire fall down! w00ts!

smiles all around. because my God is good, even when I forget that He's good. He's faithful. I've got a saviour in me, WOAH!

Today I learn more piano. Shall try broken chords. and figure out rugrats also :D And this december I think I've played more guitar than the whole year combined. Still suck at bar chords... but getting there!

And I realised. All the time I keep asking of pple, when I should be asking myself. Do I care? And I guess sometimes I'm biased towards caring for certain people. So the question is not am I loved, but do I love? Because the first answer is automatic! God loves and that should be enough to fill my gap. What do I do with that then. Share it a little. Love a little bit more. Give a little more. I figure disappointments will come, betrayal maybe, failures and inadequacies too. But I love to love. Even more than being loved, maybe, sometimes. If I can share your burdens, or share your laughters. Share your memories and your questions. Then I guess that's good enough :D If you don't understand why, then let me say that I have no idea why also. Why God loves me, or why He loves you, or then why should I love you. Love is in the giving. *nods*

And I pray that I have enough to give. Fill me up, Lord, that i may give others a little as well... :)

This is so much bigger than just me. A Love revolution is coming! His kingdom is at hand. So won't you break free and dance in His love? Wahahah ;)

Begin with me by Point Of Grace

Lord I know sometimes you look down and shake Your head
When we know what we should do and do the other thing instead
We're living in glass houses and we're throwing sticks and stones
The love that will come to us is the love that we have shown

Ignite a fire in my spirit
And when I want to make a difference
This will be my prayer

Begin with me
Turn my world upside down
Come change my heart around
Lord keep on washing me clean
Begin with me
Come and renew my mind
And lead me to the light
'Til I am more like You Jesus
Begin, begin with me

Have you ever noticed how we love to give advice
We offer up suggestions without thinking twice
Got 20/20 vision when we're watching someone else
But it's a little blurry when we're looking at ourselves

I can't forget to check the mirror
That's where I find the only one
That He wants me to change

Starting right here, right now
Lord I surrender to You
Ready to serve
Ready to love
'Cause that is all that matters in the end

The Way I was made to be by Chris Tomlin

Caught in the half-light, I’m caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I’m tied-up, what’s holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free

I want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around
I want to sing like nobody’s listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I’ve forgotten help me to find
All that You’ve promised let it be in my life

I want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around
I want to sing like nobody’s listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made

ohhhhh
The way I was made
Ohhhh
I want to live like there’s no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one’s around
I want to sing like nobody’s listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I’m not afraid
I want to be the man I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made
I want to be the way I was made
I want to be the way I was made

kingdom in my eyes...

2007-12-14T22:45:00.000+08:00

I don't know if I'm right or if I'm wrong. I don't even know if I wanna be right if it means people won't like it.

I watched a lot of old shows again. A lot like Love. The Perfect Man. Its like looking backing. Good memories.

Do I project my own shortcomings unto others? Do I see myself in others. And why is it that when I see myself, I only see my flaws. Do I see the me that you see?

I feel like I've sat down long enough. Its time to restart. To regain the purpose that I started this year with. I want to show you that me you see now is not really me. The me in June, July, that was me. This me kinda pops up here and there. And perhaps it stays around longer than it is welcomed. I want to let the other side come back out. The side that smiles. The side that loves without regard. The me that sings and dances like the world doesn't see... to be the me that I was made to be.

So I publicly ask for your forgiveness. To have had to deal with this me. To have had to see this me. In the process make it difficult for you. I come humbly. broken.

And then have faith in me. When nothing seems to work, have faith in me and my God. Don't give up on me yet.

Let the renewal begin. Let the restoration start.

God send...

2007-12-14T12:44:00.000+08:00

hey pal.
Congratulations.
I've never seen a bigger klutz.
Next time, don't waste a good morning.
You don't have much of it.

no. 1 clown...

2007-12-13T14:27:00.000+08:00

*Shutting down terminal*

Keep it in. For God's sake. And yours.

Just today.
I shall protect others. whatever the cost.

Forgive me if I failed...

*edit*
I hate this is how I should forget my pain. By seeing yours. Never would I wish for that.
I will carry as much as you'll let me.
Happiness for you. Joy to dwell in your heart. Peace to calm the storm. Assurance to drive away the fear. Hope to replace the sorrow.
Please God, watch over her.

Deny myself. Take up my cross.

at first I was afraid, I was petrified...

Strength

2007-12-13T00:24:00.000+08:00

I don't know if I have the strength. So help me God

It was nice to supper with pple I don't usually spend time with. Sorry to some pple for talking army stuff~

The questions and thoughts are creeping back... I must resist. Reaching for the doorbell but keeping my hands off. No need for me to spoil a good day. Thats as far as I go this time, the best I can resist. *zip*
Arh~ Not good enough... Try harder!

I should really choose easier songs... I need a miracle.

I don't know if I'm strong enough.

*edit*
I am not strong enough.
That's why, anything good that happens, its not me. Its Him.
God does the work. All I need is to sit and His feet.

devil within me...

patterns

2007-12-11T23:41:00.001+08:00

Today I feel like a little release. I just want to know. Hearing things that I want to hear.
does it scare you that I get in? rhetorical question. Shall step out for a while, for as long as I can manage to.

Today I became a superhero PI. I felt like was trying to dig up their dirt and evaluating their worth. So funny.

Many many many songs. Anxiety. Worry. I really think the process will be fun and the end point worth it. But still, its new. And I don't know how much support I got going into this thing. >< ><

I like Batman. He's commitment to justice. Search for connection. His pain and strength despite it. People always think that cartoons and comics are childish. If they only knew. Our media reflects our fears, hopes, dreams, nightmares. It shows us. Parts of us. Here and there. Each one giving an insight into our own struggles both as individuals and as a species.

I love Hilary Duff! She was perhaps my biggest crush~ There, I admit it kay! Wahahaha. But not now larh... I don't really know the Hilary now... when she was like 14-17 bahz...
after that lost ~ Which I'm sure some people like my "mom" would be glad.

Subject Registration today! So funny. Sitting at my comp at 1.28 and waiting for 1.30 and then clicking like mad... then realising i put Prescribed instead of General... Then clicking around like mad wondering why I can't change. Then realising I mixed up my index number with the module number -_-" Can kick myself lor. But at least its fixed. So next sem no more same mistake!!

Btw, results out on 28 dec! Thats like SUPER late~ So long from now... > < style="font-style: italic;">let the redeemed of the Lord say so!

Self destruct

2007-12-11T02:13:00.000+08:00

KABOOM!

There I go again. I blow up and keep putting the things I hold dearest at biggest risk. Self destructive tendencies. I really need help. I wonder if subconciously I'm just trying to test how far it'll go before it breaks. Maybe I just want to confirm that truly nobody can love this person here. Maybe I want to be like House. You know, M.D. House. Brillant but lonely. Smart but misunderstood. But no larh, won't go as far to say I'm smart. Besides he's just a character on tv.

It's just nice to be needed. Wanted. but the world doesn't stop for me. perhaps no one will know if I'm gone. Would you? A search for significance. A search for love. A search for something.

I don't know the right answers anymore. I don't know the right response. Keep it in and destroy the trust. Let it out and destroy the peace. Be happy and forgotten. Be sad and despised. At the end of the day, be alone.

"to know that my being here made a difference" said an old man dying in pain on a hospital bed.
"I just want to talk" said a lady who was raped. I love this episode of House. I'm glad I stayed up to watch it. "Because you hurt too..."

Melodramatic I am... Indulgent maybe. Can't stand it? Then sorry. Perhaps you're at the wrong room. You can also leave, the door is open.

Days like these and I wonder if anybody cares. Enough to call. Enough to msg. Enough to sit with me and talk about the weather. Enough to put a hand on my shoulder. Enough to spend a little time. Enough to figure me out. Enough to want to come in.

"Why do you want me?" "I don't know." More of House again.

Why is everyone so dismissive of my sorrow. All in the head. Its my own responsibility. Thanks. Everyone has the same problems. Etc. Sounds nice, even right. But its all just philosophy for I don't care that much.

Why all the hypocrisy. All the pretence. Thats all they ever do...

My God cares for me. I only wish you would care half as much. You think you do? Oh, I wish I could show you how wrong you are. But I do hope you're right and I'm wrong though.

Tired of typing it out... If you wanna know then talk to me. I dare you to. I dare you to try to be a real friend. I dare you to keep trying even if you fail initially. hehz... I'm going nuts. I'm perhaps the hardest person on earth to love, to be a friend to. Any takers?

Talk is cheap...

2007-12-09T18:01:00.000+08:00

I realised not eating means I feel cold much easier. Brrrr. And stupid gastric during my meeting of all things. Hate gastric... One pain followed by another...

I see the difference I guess... perhaps its too difficult bah... should I lie or tell the truth? Would you bother?

I shouldn't have been pushy I guess... a better explanation would have been better bah... in the end like forcing the acceptance :( But still its given in the best possible intentions. A wish. I wonder if I'll garner anything besides guilt... gratefulness would be nice... happiness would be best...
Besides I actually quite enjoyed doing such 'stupid' things. Purpose, Creativity, Determination among other traits used. And reaching the end point. But above all is the person's reaction~ I love to see the receiver smile, or face lighten up... Because brightening other's day brightens mine...
But it seems though I always work towards that. It never reaches there. Perhaps I have poor social skills or poor ability to read people. I always seem to produce more dislike, anger, guilt, etc. And it only applies in my case. Usually if you ask me for advice, I'll probably being able to give you some good ones. And I would say I do read people well. The problem arises when its related to me...

It seems the hours just before dawn are always longest. In this season of winter, my days are short and nights long. I look to the time when the sun will rise on me again...

And I'm beginning to think that I should be less open in my posting. Perhaps I really shouldn't share my thoughts and just keep things to myself. Not like if I knew whether you actually are bothered about me when you arrive at this page. Or whether you come here to see a show. I would like to know. A reassurance would be nice but then I wouldn't count on it... sorry if I'm being unfair to you guys...
secondly, maybe sharing does more harm... people always said to share, don't bottle it... ... I don't know... not like I can prove otherwise...
But I still come here... In the end its like talking to my blog. No replies, nothing. But I talk it out.
And in the end, some parts of me also find this the only way to tell you some things...

Maybe I just ask too much...

Many stuff up soon...

Hungry~

even when its hard to believe
even when our hope seems all gone
there has never been a night without a dawn...

Slow

2007-12-08T02:05:00.000+08:00

Its been a slow and quiet day... My bro is overseas so most parts of the day I spent it alone at home... But I'm quite glad today... because my special project is finishing... Now the icing would just be to be able to show someone... Too nice an idea to keep to myself...

And the weekend comes and marks perhaps one crazy sprint till 2008.
God bless and Godspeed!

A wish I could give. Hah!:D

984/1000! soon...

Out!

2007-12-07T03:29:00.001+08:00

Woohoo! I got out of the house today! Not just to buy foo or what... But an actual out of the house kinda thing... it was nice to eat dinner with the group while celebrating clara's birthday. Second birthday surprise! hah!

It seems like we're all getting old. And it was nice to finally hear someone say that she didn't want to reach the end and think that all her life was wanting to get A's. I mean, I understand everything about excellence in your studies and stuff. But seriously, there are things that are more important. Studies itself (In the sense of academics, grades, etc.) shouldn't be an end but a means to accomplish something else. But of course I take great joy in learning~! Understanding the world...
Eunice is a really deep and real, just a pity I don't converse much with her beyond the casual convos.

It seems like I cannot get the schedules to fit! First to plan and second to rehearse. We're running a dateline and still nothing seems closer to completion. Where's my panic button?

And I'm trying too hard to understand! To infer, To read the subtext. I must learn to relax and trust. In fact, I trust her more than I trust myself if I was in her shoes. I would surely have made stupid choices.

Oh, I begin to understand how easy it is to go anorexic. Okay, okay. Calm down~ I'm not =X
I'm just saying its sorta easy to not eat much. And it actually becomes harder to eat more than to eat less. I mean like living on a tenth of a packet of rice per day, and that's whats considered a good day. If you got motivation to get past the first few days... after that its super easy. No wonder its so hard to break out of. The expectations and the rountine-ness of behaviour.

Oh~ I'm so hungry I think I'm going to sleep it off...
breakfast tomorrow I hope~

880/1000

ignorance

2007-12-05T20:38:00.000+08:00

Some people just turn me off so much that I just lose my appetite. Happily halfway through my dinner and my desire to eat just vanish like water on a hot pan. People who are irresponsible and are always leaving others to clear up their messes. Get a damn back bone.

How far out should I stick my neck? do I put myself on the line? To what ends shall I go?

Line of fire.

even to the extent of getting hated?

irresponsible idiots...

*add-on*
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.
A burden I wish I need not bear. But I will. I must.

I only wish that I'll not be alone in bearing it. Would you carry this weight with me? And help me lift the burdens off my shoulders. To give courage. Strength. Hope.
Yet, all fall away.

so wish my phone will buzz. but it remains silent. Only my service provider contacting me.

Look up. Look straight. The goal is ahead.

And television shows haven't been kind either! Lizzie Mcguire, Kim Possible, Heroes, Desperate Housewives... Like lizzie and kim re-ran the episodes that are like... so... appropriate. Then Heroes season 2 also... and today Desperate Housewives~! Haiz... all playing pranks on me.
But I have fun shouting at my tv screen about that. "wassup!!!" Wwahhahah. Laughter from hurt. Maybe I'm delirious.

Thanks. A word that means more. A smile that brightens more. My God, help.For I still need to.

hoping for a hand but finding none...

2007-12-05T00:49:00.000+08:00

This is where I'll let my thoughts fly.

Its settled. I shall do whats best for you. I will handle it. I may harbour it for days or years. Hope may reside somewhere, to counter the hurt. Yet I promise myself, I'll not let you block me from see-ing the pple around me.

Perhaps life will be kind and send someone else my way. But I won't be holding my breathe. I will handle this. I will cope. Scarred but alive. God will heal and strengthen.

I will love still. But directed. Pro 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Pro 18:24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Joh 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. I'll love as much a friend and a brother can.

I know you'll see, so I hope you'll see it in the right light. It may be misinterpreted, but I trust you more than that.

I must be crazy sometimes. "Crazy" by Patsy Cline... (that's the name I think)
but crazy is me. and I like being crazy.

now, I'll give a wish... as a friend..

727/1000...

weakness

2007-12-03T02:01:00.000+08:00

Every man holds a weakness. A side they cannot show. For fear of losing the image of strength. What is strength? What is weakness?

Are the truly strong those who embrace their weakness? Or is that a bunch of new age bs. Traditional vs. modern? Retro vs. metro?
Yet it never really changes. The image of strength. The person who doesn't care? Or the person who cares too much? The guy who never sheds a tear? or the one who shares his feelings? The one who stands? or the one who gets up?

Do we fear to show our weakness? Does it protect us, this image of strength? To love enough to not say, or to say? To keep it in or let it out?

Why be strong? Ecc 9:11 Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to those with knowledge, but time and chance happen to them all.

Can I be strong? But how to when the definition escapes me. What is strength and what is weakness.

No answer do I know but one thing.
2Co 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Dear God,
May Your grace cover me.
For you are my portion Lord,
I shall not want.
Amen.

695...

sprain

2007-12-02T00:23:00.000+08:00

I'm now lame. Four sprained toes on my left foot, does not make for a very agile alphonsus. I'm just hoping it doesn't get worse tomorrow. Such things always take a while to worsen.

But pretty much its been a mundane day. The urgency of a lot of things is getting to me.

And now I'm not sure of anything anymore. Royally messed up. Haiz~~

Shall go sleep, and pray that tomorrow is a better day...

655...

Growing

2007-12-01T02:37:00.000+08:00

I went to the book store today and it was monstrous. I figure this kinda topic gets quite a bit of publicity and dinner table time but felt like saying it again. As I queued waiting to pay for my color paper, a couple in front of me bought 200 over dollars of assessment books >_< That's my about my one year's worth of textbook, workbook and etc. It scared me even! I wasn't fond of assessment books and I never really did them anyway. Poor kids.

If you ask me, I rather have fond memories of playing with my parents ( not that I have much of such memories) than memories of doing assessment books while my parents overlook. The arguments for such practices do carry merit, but being privileged enough should carry some hint of contentment and enjoyment. If you're destitute and have to slog your way out, then go ahead. Some things in life do have to be worked for. But enjoying what is available at hand shouldn't be dissed either...

And it is true. You don't realise how much its worth till you lose it or if you've never had it. Family, friends. And it seems that is becoming the story of my life. A whole bunch of ifs. Ah-ma, god-sis, and now jj. Aiyahz~ what's wrong with me deh... They always say grip too tight and the sand flows out faster. But they never mention that even if you don't, it still flows out. You can't keep the sand alone, you'll always need the other hands. Two hands to clap, they say. Two to tango. Hard to dance if you're not sure if you're both following the same dance steps. Confidence in yourself, trust in your partner's.

Now, I'm just making it up as I go. Improvisation.

--------------

DCOMs are nice to watch and I love Kim Possible. Much more than Totally Spies. Go figure.

Ron, I feel your pain brother~

Hahahz.

605 and still going...

2007-11-30T02:41:00.000+08:00

I think I'm getting vague familar with the television schedule. I design my breaks just when a program starts. So my whole day is kinda structured and routine.

And I'm starting to wonder if the dye that is coming off unto my fingers is toxic. I realise even the gold and silver ones are flaking unto my fingers. And it kind of makes me wonder if the product comes from China or something. Lead based paint *shivers*. Hahah. Paranoia more like it.

Started Heroes Season 2. Its still pretty cool. Maybe it helps that I only started watching Heroes last week so the buzz is still kinda there.

Hiro, I feel your pain brother~.

A lot of things aren't going as I had hoped for. My entire outlook on this year end period is so different then from acouple of weeks back. Then, I would have been happy if things rolled on and into the new year. Now, I'm just stumbling from weekend to weekend. Haiz. What I would give to have a do-over. Maybe if I close my eyes and concentrate REALLY hard. Hahah... Where's Hiro when you need him.

It's been a long time since I had a merry Christmas. Doesn't look like this year will be the one, but I am sure hoping so. Not to mention camp too. I have this 'pattern' with camps. Ask me if you're interested. But lets see who will actually ask me about my life... erm... count 0?
One thing I've always wanted for a camp, is to have one nice long talk into the night. Cross my fingers =X

All I want for Christmas? Not my two front teeth. Think more along the lines of Love Actually.

Here comes December

505/1000... Landmark!

control

2007-11-28T22:27:00.000+08:00

I should not... and I will not... not for the next two days... tie my hands!

---------------

The days are becoming routine... shall go find a hobby... maybe origami! ahahahz:D

---------------

I have been looking inwards. Searching my thoughts and my feelings. My intentions and desires. And no longer do I know what will make me happy.

I saw an episode of oprah today about happiness. It was quite typical I guess. The usualy hoo-hah about happiness.
If I keep trying hard, then it should mean my locus of control is internal. But then I feel like my success is determined by circumstances, therefore it should then be external. It figures why one should never psychologically analyse oneself. Doesn't work so well.

If I want it I try? If I love it, I try? Let go? Wait?

All questions without an answer.

Am I me? Do I even like me?
Guess one of my biggest flaws is not knowing how to be loved.
Neither am I expecting to be loved, and even if i was, I probably couldn't recognize it.

Happiness? A pipe dream perhaps.

Perhaps my misery will contribute to other's happiness. Equaling out some sort of balance. Work hard and don't ask.
---------------

*Pat on my back*
I managed to flip burger patties with my frying pan without the use of utensils.
*toss* *toss*

405/1000

2007-11-28T02:10:00.000+08:00

I'm not sure...

Need a talk...

not sure...

moments

2007-11-27T01:49:00.000+08:00

I had a moment of silence as I looked out upon the night sky. Only my new sofa allows me to do that. I had a moment with my God.

In the vast expense I felt alone. I thought about the purpose of my efforts. To what goals will all my striving bring me. I felt like a little insect struggling against the flow of time. Trying so hard for what seems like nothing. Too tiny against the vastness of existence.

Some things felt futile, but not worthless. And the worth keeps me going, lets me get up and try again. Aiding me to soldier on, sometimes even foolishly.

Yet in that moment, I had a memory, a trust. Besides God, that memory stood close. A trust that I'm not alone.

So I whispered a prayer unto my God. You might think it a selfish prayer, but it was honest and sincere. My God hears and answers.

----------------

Facing the paper(s) all day is quite testing on my endurance... but at least its picking up pace...

250/1000...

prayer

2007-11-26T11:12:00.001+08:00

I thank God for everything right that has happened. It was really refreshing to be honest with Him.

Now things are okay, I wish they would remain just as it is at this moment. To not change, to not fade.

------------------

My days are looking a bit blend now... Holidays and nothing much to do but embark on my project... hm... must try to get out of the house...

150/1000

turning point

2007-11-23T22:16:00.001+08:00

I've finally found my respite... everything seems to have resumed... like as if it all stopped and then kinda just rebooted...

I'm just glad to know that things are well and that she's feeling better... Jesus' love never fails...

Now to look to the front...

80/1000...

*edit*
I'm hungry >_<

care

2007-11-23T01:47:00.001+08:00

I realised something today... I didn't ask you how you felt... I don't know how much it tears you up, or broke you apart... The last words before you left... and I didn't ask you 'how are you...'

now I figure you're home, resting...
wondering if you've read his mail, pondering on whether you knew others cared too...

I think too much for my own good... yet, my good isn't what's on my mind...

Dear God,
watch over your daughter, like a shepherd over his flock, like a father over his children. May Your loveshine... that she'll know your love never fades, is patient, is kind and endures forever.

May you empower your 'vessel' to exhibit a fraction as much of your love. Lord, I intercede for her and may You turn things around.

Let Your will be done. In You we trust.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

21/1000....

dreams

2007-11-22T09:59:00.000+08:00

It played out in my sleep. An ideal of circumstances. But is it only reflective or does it tell of something deeper...

I saw you... finally... for so long...

And now I'm just letting it wash over me...
lingering in the moments, remembering the words, reaching out for the tears.

heh...

so cryptic...

vision...

Clouds breaking

2007-11-21T19:24:00.000+08:00

My mother asked me if something was wrong with me today... in the manner that she best can muster... I told her it was nothing... She's not good at being 'motherly' but its not her fault... Sometimes I might be angry about it... but I try to understand that its just her...

Today I saw the silver lining... Foolish as it may be... I found the other side of the coin called possibility... Maybe its a land from another time and in another place... but I saw my clouds clear a little today...

But this thing isn't like a coin I guess... more like a multi-sided dice... Hm... wonder which side will be facing up...

But I shall trust my Father, trust my friends, most of all trust her...

Everywhere I look, I see...
Shut my eyes, still I see...
Video or picture?
black and white or colour?
Mono or stereo?
Still I watch...

somewhere over the rainbow...

*edit*
england is so disappointing... 15 mins and 2 down... waste time... if they somehow still fight back and get through... then good for them... but now I rather go sleep

Watched heroes... And I can't believe Times Square New York actually reminded me of a place half way round the world... All things seem to lead me to the same place...

a picture that hangs in my head...

Soon... few more hours...

so slow... yet here I am now...

no way out

2007-11-20T20:05:00.001+08:00

It felt so bad, I decided to go for a walk... I realized my swimming pool sounds more like a raging torrent than a quiet stream...

It didn't help much... I just kept thinking... it only provided my legs something to do... and after a while I wasn't even aware of where I was walking anymore...

The moon hung in the night as wisp of clouds drifted lazily by. My heart not matching the pace I saw. I only hope my body doesn't give up. I'm sorry body, just a little bit more kay?

I wondered if you saw the moon. I wondered if you were filled. I know how good food could make you feel better. That and shopping. Hopefully you bought a lot. even if you were not thinking... just having a smile on your face is enough I guess...

These two days I've felt so cold. both on the outside and the inside...

Why oh soul do you writhe in such agony? Is it because of the worry? Is it because of the indignation? Are are plagued by concern? Or is it because of love?
What can afflict you so with pain and restlessness? Why do your days seem to be like months? The future is not for your choosing, my soul. All you can do is to trust her and her Father.

The only good from the walk seemed to be that can of soya bean milk that I down. Much needed fluids and energy.

I wonder where you are...

longest of days...

you!

2007-11-20T19:11:00.000+08:00

Even sleep is hard to find... napping for half an hours is annoying... Your words keep waking me up...

what a liar~ weaver of pretence~ you actually had the gumption... unbelievable...
In the end whatever happened years ago and this march, you're just causing it to happen again... Repeating the cycle and just hurting the other.

Love is determined by the actions not just the words. Words of love followed by actions of betrayal point to a love that is incomplete and lacking... Where was the kindness in your actions? You went one extreme to best suit your liking and as and when you feel pleased about it you just waltzed right back... Congrats... your schemes worked...

I just wonder what if things had worked out differently for you this june. If she had decided otherwise... what would you then now tell the first? while she waited for you, you were playing with fire elsewhere.

Warning after warning was given. Tell, let her know. Yet till this day, you hide. In the excuse of protecting her but really I think you're protecting youself, giving yourself an excuse. You live in your own world, not see-ing that your actions in little ways matched your words. You forget, there is a common point, everything is related. The common point was you. Whatever you did, you affected so many and yet you justify it with a wave of your hand.

Two words. Grow Up.

-------

even saying it... still a weight upon my shoulders...

do nice guys always finish last?

burdens so heavy...

broken

2007-11-20T17:22:00.000+08:00

my mom scolds me for wasting her money by not eating the dinner that she buys, and for spending so much time in the house... I wish she knew what I felt...

I've finished three years... I really dreaded reaching november... Things made more sense...

I wish that I had a chance to show you that you can get the sunshine without the rain, the blue skies without the storm clouds. That the love you think you can only get, can actually be found without the heartache... if only...

many sad songs I found today on my brother's itunes, just the way I liked it...

I wonder if you see the same skies as I am... probably not, I'm not even facing the right way...
are you walking down that street I remember? Or sitting in that ferry? Maybe going up that hill top or that long row of escalators? Are you smiling or frowning? what are you thinking?

I lament the timing of everything... if only I stepped out earlier... if only I could have known you longer...

I can't believe its only tuesday evening... it has been an eternity...

My heart races and I don't know if its just labouring to carry on...

love is not just about feelings or an idea. Its about Truth and truth.

I pray
Dear God,
may you work things out... and speak your Word... That in the end, only You may be number one in her heart... Guide her through Lord, to help her find her happiness and love in You. Walk with her the streets of hongkong. Hold her if she cries. Rejoice with her if she laughs. Watch over her as she sleeps... Never leave her side Lord. Your precious daughter needs you and I pray that Lord you'll answer her calls and be her comfort, shelter, wisdom, strong tower, renewing strength, faith, love, hope and joy. Lord, I believe you understand her heart best, and Lord help her to see herself through your lens. That whatever lies the devil may veil her eyes with, that Lord your wisdom will prevail. Your will be done in her life. Shield her, oh Lord, You who are a father to the fatherless. place your hand of love upon her shoulder. And carry her, to let her know that Your love and grace is more than enough, always.

The 'angel' will return soon. But if its your desire, grant him the strength to love her. That through it, your 'angel' will channel your love and Your love alone. Help your 'angel' to trust in you as well.

Lord, watch over your beloved...
and your "angel's" as well...

Amen.

conflict...

stepping back

2007-11-20T11:45:00.000+08:00

Okay, I think I'll step back... I've been too in-your-face. not like the pressure of my added presence is necessary...

So when you're ready, under your own conditions... you pick now okay?

I'll wait... even if it takes a life-time... I'll still be around...

the rhythm of the beat of my heart in the silence and darkness...

Blog

2007-11-20T04:31:00.000+08:00

You laughter echoes and resonates,
your anger hits me like a wave
your smile shines through the screen
your sadness reaches out...

I started three years ago and worked my way to the present.
Every word resonated, every smiley shined, and every song reverbrated.
I read your story and I wish you would read it too... some of the words on the screen seemed like what I wanted to say...
it was not easy and I'm not yet done.

But for a moment I could feel your happiness, sadness, anger, lonliness, bitterness, hopelessness, anticipation, gratitude and more...
my heart soared and fell with yours.
2005, 2006 and of course 2007.

it was a journey that seemed hard at times, and at other times I breezed through. Your cares and concerns. Worries and hopes.

but thats just in one day. Rather a companion, I was just a viewer. But I realised I remembered entries much earlier than I thought I did. Things happened faster than I remembered. I saw you swing from point to point. always running below in case while swinging you fell...

in the end, even if you don't hear the words I have to say, listen to the words of esther and the others and take their advice. We're not out to control you, we just care too dang much...

I'm thinking of you, but I don't think I will cross your mind.
am I invisible?

safety nets... logic and reasons...

stupidity again

2007-11-18T15:58:00.000+08:00

I'm going to make an exception to the previous post...

Horrid day... Where things are hanging out but not resolved... having done or said stupid things...

If you read this, I hope I haven't spoiled what should have been a good week for you... I feel like I've opened a can of worms... and did to you what you did to me... darn my control... I only hope you can forget it and still enjoy your trips...

it was all avoidable... if the bus had been faster yesterday...

well... at least the knife is fully in now... and though I hope what follows will make things better... I guess I better cross no fingers......

laughter and smiles...

2007-11-18T00:25:00.000+08:00

I decided to post only happy things here... no point in laying out how I really feel... whats the point...

So... see you the next time I actually get a respite from the misery...

Disaster

2007-11-15T19:29:00.000+08:00

Today was disastrous.... I screwed up every possible things I could... Now only a miracle will see me pass my first sem...

Even buying stuff did not really cheer me up... Got some new audio gear... and I was excited to get them... now I feel ashamed to be wasting my mom's money... sianz...

Haiz~~

And I think the worse thing is I think that I'm not feeling as bad as I should be... I should feel worse, more guilt, more sorrow... but not really either... has my heart been that blunted?

cannot let go yet... must try to carry on...

2007-11-14T01:47:00.000+08:00

I can't decide... I just mostly feel restless I guess... neither sad nor happy, moping or dancing...
heeee... :D:D:D:D :(:(:(

hahahz
getting out of point I guess... should have lumped everything into one post... but clicking create new post is much easier...

guess I better sleep...

smiles all around...

Up and down

2007-11-14T00:09:00.000+08:00

I feel like I'm on a damn roller coaster... and I hate roller coasters...

Been kinda hard to sleep... just thinking I guess... trying to strike a balance between stupidity and stupidity. feel kinda neurotic...

uncontrollable urge to rant and rave... all the verbal vomit getting swallowed time and again...

where's my outlet.... dang...

balancing the tight rope...

wall

2007-11-13T21:39:00.000+08:00

There's a wall I can't seem to cross... my reality never really fitting my ideal...
I am dreaming of crazy things...

Nothing worth having is going to be easy...

-------------------------

exams

stupid actions

-------------------------

Creative sale!

rolling along...

slow slow

2007-11-12T23:07:00.001+08:00

A rampant cold and no school makes for a really slow day. Its actually kinda isolating and lonely like... A rising awareness that I was the only one at home.

I hope the cold goes soon... maybe I should sleep earlier... hm... thats quite a novel idea... HahhahaA:D

Finally the show is over. Okay larh not so bad, but quite funny though.

so glad because you're glad:)

shall go back to waiting for the Mac Man.

ladidar... so restless...

pleasant

2007-11-11T23:58:00.000+08:00

I've had a pleasant day to say the least. Except for this blasted cold I've got... I sound so muffled...

Today everything just seems so fine and dandy... I resist saying it was fantastic in case people get mistaken that I am misunderstanding things... neither would I say it was disastrous, because I will not let the inner demons run wild...
If things are as they are now, I'll be glad... should always be content and not be greedy... its always nice to have lunch together...

-----------

Exams~ Sianzz... must tahan... soon... soon...

sweet sound of laughter...

rising

2007-11-08T05:53:00.000+08:00

I feel just a wee bit better today... Large parts due to Manchester United and of course the lovely Jenna Wong Chong Jen (shall find out the pronounciation).

Friendship always trumps advice, logic and reason.
Action wins words any day.

-------------------

btw, its the 200th post!!
*fireworks and confetti*
*pops champagne*

Its been a long way. And at the risk of sounding like an old fogey, I've seen the long way I've come. More than a year ago I set up this blog as a way of ranting and expressing views. People have come and gone, and I've climbed highs and lows. I have moved on from one girl to another and then quite unknowingly to another. I've made new friends, started a new chapter and embarked on new adventures. I've went overseas for the first time without my family, church camp as well.

I've contemplated changing the blog's layout but fizzled out after a while. Dabbled with new programs such as photoshop and after effects. Got a new computer that is somewhat respectable enough to play games. Joined facebook. And many many more actually.

Yet, I'm still that bungling idiot. Mood swings. Crazy ideas. Wild stunts. Point where I don't even understand myself. Hopefully, I'm still nice and caring, albeit in an over-the-top kind of way. Perpetual worrier. Excessive hoper. Non-stop thinker. Quiet and reserved. Loud and obnoxious.

So much change yet so same (I really sound like an old fogey).

Ok... off to sleep... its like 6 in the morning...

---------------

Man U are through! 4-0!

---------------

Last 3 episodes...

whats in that head of yours?

2007-11-05T03:49:00.001+08:00

crushed

1 more...

Vapor

2007-11-03T22:53:00.001+08:00

Today I feel like I've been surrounded by walls. My words echoing in the silence. My words like a vapor, noticed by few.

One of those days that could be better.

Early in the day, thought a hug would be nice. Or a back rub. Or just a touch.

---------

Much work suddenly.

---------

Nothing to be bad about...
Surely I shouldn't be everywhere, at everytime bah...

---------

Massive celebrations...

Green voice do not speak!

I must know my place...

2 more!!

stupidity

2007-10-30T03:19:00.000+08:00

Here I am at 3a.m. Not because of soccer just because of my stupidity. Stupid me go and procrastinate. Last minute chiong... Ironically my short topic is about sleep deprivation and effects on short term memory... now... what was I talking about?

Oh yes... me being awake at 3a.m. sianzz

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Nothing much else to say... people are happy so I'm happy... just that some sellers are getting on my nerves... quick and efficient service please!

----------

tick tock tick tock... exams are coming...

3 more....

Troubled heart

2007-10-25T23:59:00.000+08:00

Zui jin wo de xin hao fan... zhen shou bu liao... yu mei ren ke yi bang wo jian jing fu dan...

gou sian...

qu shui jiao leh....

bu guan zhe me duo...

4 more left...

2007-10-25T22:03:00.000+08:00

Today there has been a severe lack of company online... Nobody to talk to even if I wanted to... Yet lately that has been the case... except maybe for chan... Which has been great talking to him... Kinda sian though, do wish I could find someone to chat with... oh well, I got other stuff to do I guess

----------------

I need to turn down the volume inside my head somewhat... I almost feel like asking God and wishing it away... to not feel a thing, to not think at all... just automate me... perhaps it'll be better like this... I need the function without the heart. Less human you say? Perhaps. Thats why I said I almost felt like it.

A fair opportunity? The odds have been tilted. God tell me how to proceed.
This weekend I'll cover my bases. I need to know how to feel... I feel very non-rational. Does it make sense to you? Not sure if it does to me... I can't tell why...

But I know there's something I have to do... I should, at least...

"Stand and fight!"

be still my heart and know that God is Lord...

----------------

A singular purpose... strive for the goal... running this race...

----------------

I wonder if I've been exaggerating somewhat... don't take everything I say at face value okay...

----------------

5 more till a landmark~

a blind man it makes...

Choice

2007-10-25T02:13:00.000+08:00

I've decided I must make a choice. A choice between two girls. Both are cute and pretty. Their smiles can melt the heart's of a snowman. One is gentle and kind. She is blur but does well in life. The other is strong and smart. Yet has not found her life's goal. She likes conflicts and is actually rather fierce but still shows occasional softness.

Why must I decide you ask? Isn't it obvious? I can't like both... It won't help in the end... I can only like one not the other... support only one!

Both their happiness is at stake! But my actions will hold no effect on their lifes. For I am merely a spectator, watching from the safety of a glass window. Yet day by day they enter my mind. My heart leaps out and tightens at the sight of their tears, at the sound of their cries. As hard as it might be, I must still choose one.

Who are these two you ask? Are you wondering if you know them? Well, I trust that you might, for their identities are not secret or hidden...
Yijuan or Yijun? what a dilemma... Shunfa is a damn lucky clown...

HAH!
Easter egg!!
------------------------

Like I said, I must try. Effort must reflect worth... Only things that are of worth have to be fought for, to be earned...
So a foolish run I go, charging at the hordes.
Fell deeds awake... Now for Wrath... Now for Ruin... and the Red Dawn... (quoted from LOTR, Theoden's line)
Death and glory! I ride to meet a host that fars outweighs my stature. To no ends can I be sure that victory is mine. Only a glimmer of hope, shining like a blade splitting the darkness. I give hope to men. I keep none for myself. (Aragorn)
For the one... God let me be right and may your favour rest upon me like the morning dew... may your courage cover me like a breastplate... As I embark on this craziest of quest...

boo!
dramatics hide my point
Okay... Guess I got a bit out of point... hahahz! but see if you can get whats the main message there without the LOTR dramatics...

One last quote from LOTR Aragorn...
"Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Gondor, of Rohan, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you *stand, Men of the West!"

-------------------

With that I retire for the night! ; )

Light of the Evenstar...
Arwen...

2007-10-23T23:57:00.001+08:00

I'm afraid I've screwed it...Tsurelyryouuwillsnotlongermturnetowmeiforlhelplforyfearoofu
things...?I shouldn't have been so greedy... only me to blame...

-------------------

Facebook is ridiculous. Slayers, vampires and zombies. Water Fights and Rock scissors paper. So OOP... hahahz... but in truth quite fun larh...

-------------------

wonder how many pple have visited it liao... much check later...

-------------------

RE: extinction is quite OOP also but milla jovovich is SO chio~! hahahz blonde short haired babe man...
Rock on!

how normal is normal? level up!!!

2007-10-23T18:33:00.000+08:00

/

Now you would think there's something hidden there... but there's nothing... just silence...

silence in my heart...

Thinking

2007-10-22T23:06:00.000+08:00

I think lately I've been expecting too much... monday was always that day...D
And I look forward to it... but lately she's not been there...o
but I shouldn't be surprised should I...I
its was about time... no good thing lasts forever...a

-------n

So I had to close shop early... Sianzzz...n
either that or risk massive payout...o

spoiler lehzzz...y
hahahahzz....y

-------

shall watch a movie today I think... milla jovovich... Wahahahz :P

-------

I hope I'm not trying too hard... I don't want to place an unnecessary burden on you...o
and neither do I want to make you annoyed with me...u
because I'm just trying to be nice... making sure you get through this time...?

thinking...

in the sea of you

2007-10-22T01:11:00.001+08:00

A laughter that is both honest and infectious. Disarming me, letting down my guard. Innocence resonating, joy mingling in between each breath...

----

*This portion has been deleted*

----

Back to school~~ 4 more weeks to exams.... ladidar

in the sea

woonded...

Working

2007-10-20T02:08:00.000+08:00

Working hard... hope to get it done soon...

---------

What's this I feel... lets not put it in words... denial serves best here...
as long as I keep joking about it... I should be okay...

---------

Oh well, back to work...

Hah! Knew you'll look! caught you~~! This is to catch Jenna~~ for the rest of you... thank you for your participation!!:D

one in a hundred...

deadlines

2007-10-16T22:16:00.000+08:00

Sianz... Dug myself into a hole again... Always am doing that... God dig me out please~

BTW, its kinda late... but I've posted my pictures of my trip in july to Australia... follow the links on the right to get there...

2007-10-14T21:54:00.000+08:00

I'm now quite tired... sleepppyyy~~

drifting off into land of sleep... buay tahan... Sleep monster comeths...

------------

Sharing the burden is a great deal better... I must resist selfish tendencies and look out for the best. Above all things to make sure you're just a little better... no matter how disastrous the consequences may be...

------------

Okay... off to bed I go...

somewhere here and there...

Sleepless in Singapore

2007-10-14T03:46:00.000+08:00

Its 3 a.m. in the morning and I just can't sleep. Its so strange and it could be becoming a habit for all I know. I tried hard to knock out but it just wasn't happening... haiz... so restless now...

I'm awake thinking of things I really shouldn't be... Periods of anxiety and then relief... and then followed by moire worries... Worries of putting the happiness of my friends first. Trying to figure whats going on everywhere. Making sure I watch out for your greatest interest above mine.

God give me the strength to do whats right.

How I wish I can get my fairy tale ending... Maybe some day, over a rainbow, and far away....

sleepless in Singapore...

wastage

2007-10-12T00:00:00.000+08:00

Too much money gone!! I've been a little liberal with my finances... Please remind me to keep a good lock on it...

----

Did a psycho test today. You know what I like about such test? Listening to the debrief and realise the focus of the study is WAY different from what you were told or imagine. I love the way they scheme everything. So never take a psych test at face value!

----

Everyday I look forward to just this one thing. I guess its not too good... must train off it... but then its so nice and enjoyable and then its not really very harmful. So... Hahahz...

work, work, work...

A special person

2007-10-10T22:59:00.001+08:00

I just took a nap and woke up... I am so groggy I can't really put words together properly.

--------

The datelines are pressing and yet I cannot do much... Still waiting...

-------

Pretty. Friendly. Comforting. Exciting. Cute. Caring. Intuitive. Adorable. Reliable. Helpful. Curious. Appreciative. Eager. Excitable. Gorgeous. Smart. Outgoing. Playful. Youthful. Perky. Lovely.

" these are a few of my favourite things~ " borrowing a line from the song.

I need to improve my vocab. Foxy, Delightful. Dainty and Attractive.

" you are... you are..."

arrow in the dark...

clown

2007-10-08T23:27:00.001+08:00

I have been a clown. Being a baby about it. But I must stop, I will.

I read the words again and again. Making it my own. Knowing the damage I've done or am doing. Being stupid about it.

I'm sorry. I am.

-------------

I won't give up. I cannot fall away and just let go. Then its like saying it wasn't worth trying. It is worth... and I will do it... might as well try and fight for it...

Hope thats not putting off... I have bad exp of saying that kinda stuff... hopefully I'm not wrong twice...

2007-10-08T16:17:00.000+08:00

Thank God the presentations over. 103 was rather monster and almost quite scary... like 5 mins before then tie down. Hopefully Mirabelle thinks it was okay... no so concernec about the class, because I think this tutorial is rather farcical...

I think I'm rather weird... Like as if I can't decide if I'm okay or not. Maybe I'm in denial or actually I'm over the hill... I just can't tell... So at the moment I shall go with my best guess...

I abhor sleep deprivation, mainly cause I don't do well with it... Sleep is rather appealing... Yet so is staying up late. It always seems like there is more things to do past midnight. Sometimes I just sit around and wonder if there's anything I can do rather than go sleep... Hahz!

This week's just getting started and I already want the weekend... or actually the holidays. But I will still slog on...

The next part is strictly R21 only. Please present your ID. Also only for people who would consider themselves my good friends... hah!

I feel like a clown... I really should have had more control and wisdom. Now all I want is that you be happy.

Anywayz I can always just squish it all in a bottle. Its good not as bad as you might think. Suppressing everything is a good thing.

Btw you would have to highlight it. And Please resist reading it if you do not meet he above mentioned criteria. Your honesty is appreciated and God is watching!!!!

Lecture's gonna start... TATA!!

Dive

2007-10-08T02:08:00.000+08:00

I hate the way everything's linked... just because my mental state changes doesn't mean my body should feel it... stupid stomach ache... bleh...

-----------

I could have told myself 'I told you so'. Was it really unexpected? Not really. Disappointing? why should it be if its expected.

Slap myself.

Its time to wake up, its time when dreaming ends. Much like in Moulin Rouge. Its a modern day tragedy. My life is determinably shakespearean in nature.

-----------

Stupid presentations tomorrow. I want my holiday. But before that, exams... 15 to 21 nov... sianz... so soon....

I T E...

Wall

2007-10-07T20:03:00.000+08:00

In my stupidity, I tend to do drastic things that are rather detrimental...

------------------------

Sorry, my walls tend to be so high...

Even though you reach... I'm not really very accessible... Its my fault... no worries...

standing tall in this wide space...

2007-10-07T00:19:00.001+08:00

I am pissed...

So pissed...

Help me overcome it. My strength and my peace...

a mighty good leader is on the way...

2007-10-06T00:21:00.000+08:00

I'm making progress. At least I think I am. Its way way cool but so hard to master! But I'll get it... I'll keep trying till I get it... Just a few more weeks...

But meanwhile, better not forget I actually have work to do in school. Hah!

------------------------

First!!

------------------------

Baby Pictures. Some people look so similar and yet so different. And you realise how people actually look more alike after growing up together. Wahahah... Too bad they don't know I've seen the pic... :P and because I gave my word I shan't reveal who's picture it is.

-----------------------

Busy busy weekend.

ahhhhhhh......

mixed day

2007-10-04T23:23:00.000+08:00

I realised I have a certain liking for things starting with a certain letter of the alphabet. An action starting with that letter, these things starting with that letter, my first crush's name started with that letter and now another person's name which starts with that letter. Wahahahz, just making a mountain out of a molehill I guess...

--------------

I am the chief of sinners... Yet His grace is abundantly sufficient...

--------------

Datelines, datelines, datelines.

How I wish they were just the first half.

Just dates, no lines....

-------------

BLUE, GREEN, RED, YELLOW.

Sudden colour outburst.

------------

Look out for this space!!!

craziness...

Wrong side

2007-10-02T23:33:00.001+08:00

I woke up on the wrong side of life today. It was almost like some horror show of sorts. It was just like a show full stop. Everything seemed like choreographed misfortunes. Right from the offset, it seemed suspiciously orchestrated. But it isn't. Sometimes life just throws a curve ball. Well, strike one for me.

Something keeps floating around in my mind. Appearing with predictable frequency. At least once a day it appears. Imaginary and expectant. I am nuts. Just wondering if I'm cashews or macademian.

Haiz, oh well... Another day, another time...

goals...

arcade dance

2007-09-30T23:05:00.000+08:00

I almost hesitated. But I didn't hesitate as much as I thought I would. Jenna, you're crazy! And I let you convince me to play that dancing game >_< But okay larh it was rather fun. I admit that much... And I got that D first!!! And your S was when I got A... not a big difference.

Guess more dancing for me...

Break free!!! Wahaha:P

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Chan will come back year end! woohoo! Electric power!!! wwweeeeaaaaannngggggggg..............
Justin! Hurry up and finish that thesis!!! hahaahz... See you soon dude!

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Back to school.... -_-" haiz... Oh well... let me finish this sem...

After Effects...

Project

2007-09-28T01:35:00.000+08:00

I have visited many many BKs this week. Eat till sianz liao... no more BK for the rest of the year I hope.

----------------------

I have decided I shall go and try. *deep breath* And lets go.

----------------------

Its fun preparing for worship. Loads of work and money involved but fun anywayz. I am glad to be able to serve in this area.

I can't wait to play drums also >_< Hahah. thinking of getting myself a drumstick bag. But no money. About 50 bucks. Then can keep my sticks and also bring around like a drum key or some other drums related gear. So erm... anybody out there?? *hint* *hint* Hahahz!!! Anybody nice enough?? :P:P:P

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More bk tomorrow and a worship prep to look-see.
Nitez!!

goal in sight...

Macdonaldlization

2007-09-27T00:58:00.000+08:00

I guess I must be thankful. I actually have to study BK for a presentation. I won't explain here but if your curiosity is getting to you, please feel free to ask me personally. So I shall spend 2 more days hanging around BK joints and try to understand the intricacies of their working structure.

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Impatience. Let me wait. When the time comes. Let me grab hold. When windows open.

Hopefully...

---------

I have a lessening desire to blog today... hahahz. Just running out of ideas.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I shall be back again.

a shot in the dark....

hit~~

2007-09-26T03:30:00.000+08:00

It should have hit me harder. I should be reeling from the blow. Am I just tired or does it not matter to me? Or do I not believe that its possible either ways.

Now all I do is to see this out. Maybe it'll come good maybe it won't. God knows and soon so will I.

---------------------------

Again with the games. bleahx >_< less less!!

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On impulse I went to watch evan almighty. Quite a funny show. *laughter*

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I prayer tonight for people!! Hahah. Glad I managed to commit the people in my life into His hands.

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happiness vs happiness...

uneasiness

2007-09-25T02:19:00.000+08:00

Is there a mask? Hiding the truth of the matter.

Perhaps I did something foolish and I failed to do the thing I said I must. heh. Oh brillant me.

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Today has been like computer games day. Civilization IV and The Movies. Crazy fun. Letting Qin shi huang's tanks run rampant. Helping my stars befriend each other.

It's like so simple. The more they talk, the closer they get. Then just let them spend time in restaurants and such and their relationship grows. Life I guess is somewhat similar but more unpredictable. How do I know whether its helping or making it worse, I wish I knew.

---------------------------------

Thinking the sand is slipping through my fingers is kinda bleahx >_<

hahahz...

off to bed then...

going, going, gone...

weekend

2007-09-24T01:55:00.000+08:00

Its been a pretty good weekend. :)

Sat was nice and slow. Could wake up late and then leave for powerhouse, ON TIME.
Then had a nice discussion after dinner with ben regarding ministry and vision.

Then sat night I almost forgot to meet God. But I pulled myself out of bed and tried. It was like walking into a wall though. I asked then that He would guide me or lead me in some way. I said I wanted to meet Him. And I did.

I slept at around 1. At 5.50 I woke up and couldn't sleep. So thats when I figured that God wanted to meet now! So I spent a good 20 minutes just committing to Him the plans and ideas, interceding and singing Spirit touch Your church.

Then I reach church and had a nice little morning with good friends. Then service was fun too!:) Fun and Meaningful. 2 words we don't mix but actually coexist just perfectly fine. I was greatly encouraged to have person to my left (*winkz*) having fun too. kinda lifts the weight off of one's shoulders'. Like as if not alone like that. Jumping Jenna. Hahahz. thought of leaving her identity secret but J(square) was a kooky idea that just came to me. Hello J2!!!!!!

So now I have one week's sem break. Must make sure I use it well.

trading...

not so good friend

2007-09-22T00:29:00.001+08:00

eh... now I see my point...

I haven proven myself and did what I said...

hey... I should be better than this...

1-0

2007-09-20T04:54:00.000+08:00

1-0.
I'm happy.
good enough for me.

Early morning

2007-09-20T03:32:00.000+08:00

Here I am at 3. Faked by the television programming that said it started at 1. Prematch started at 1, actual match started at 2.45!!! So here I am. Half time, 0-0. Seriously, I think I might be wasting my time. Come on Man utd!!! Wake up!

---------------------------

Its on the tip of my tongue and its about all I can do to bite it and keep it from spilling it. So eager to tell it yet I must preserve its status as a secret. I know, do you know? Do you want to know?

Common sense is kinda hard to act upon. Its too easily swayed by feelings and thoughts. So my struggle to keep it in is present.

It will not work, so I keep it in. If it works then by all means I'll let it out. Rational, no?

Okay, I concede. I shall try my very best not to talk about it anyway. In the manner which I mean hinting like this yet not telling. Because its frustrating to read such entries. It kind of just leaves you hanging wandering whats it. then possibilities fly around your head and you just NEED to get it straight. But then I won't tell. So yeah, its kinda mean of me to not tell.

And I do! Trust me when I say that. But I cannot. For I know if I did all hell would break lose.

Then again maybe it won't. This world doesn't revolve around me. So I guess all hell would break lose in MY world. It would mess up a lot of good things in my life. Okay, maybe just that one thing. So in order to preserve it, I suffer the craziness of not telling.

Today I succeed. Tomorrow I try again...

Back to my match...

merry-go-round...

where did it go?

2007-09-19T00:45:00.000+08:00

Where did it go?

I was very sure it was there a moment ago.

but now I've lost sight of it.

Where did it go?

Where did it go?

Do I still have it but can't see it.

Or is it in the hands of someone else.

Where did it go?

Where did it go?

Maybe I never really had it.

A great deception upon myself.

Where did it go?

midterms down...

Test

2007-09-18T17:37:00.000+08:00

My midterms are over... A simple affair. Just two quizes on my two simplest topics. Both my 101s.
Psychology and Sociology. I'm glad to be done but I realise I am a step closer to end of semester. I'm a little dazed now... Was sleeping and woke up.

back to sleep I guess~ see ya!

2007-09-16T22:59:00.000+08:00

All that needs to be done is to walk a few steps down and say hi.

I pray that I do not perform out such forgetfulness and neglect.

All you need to do is say hi.

A few more sentence would be fantastic.

But just a hi would do.

But then 'those' fellows were there.

So it figures.

I hate ....l..

3's a crowd...

2007-09-16T22:54:00.000+08:00

I feel like I'm kidding myself. Wait, rephrase. I am kidding myself.
Caught up in the great drama before me. Believing in something non-existant.

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Mid-terms. So fast and already it is my first semesters mid-terms. I can only pray and trust. I surely have not done my best. God be my strength.

alone at a bk at eastpoint with a chocolate fountain...

mess

2007-09-14T00:57:00.000+08:00

I got ahead of myself.

must come back now.

And start over.

run, run as fast as you can...

2007-09-13T03:07:00.001+08:00

Stand up and move on...

2007-09-13T03:05:00.003+08:00

perceived madness

2007-09-13T03:05:00.001+08:00

madness

2007-09-13T03:04:00.004+08:00

diminishing causation...

2007-09-13T03:04:00.003+08:00

A smile worth fighting for...

2007-09-13T03:04:00.001+08:00

must try harder