Lately, I've learnt a lesson in trust. Trusting in God is not a passive thing. It is not where we do nothing and then let God settle everything. That IS true but not in the way that we say that statement. We have let it become an excuse for not caring, and just to sit back and relax.
Trusting in God should mean that we no longer trust our ways but trust in His ways. Meaning we follow His plans. And following His plans is not a passive, 'do-nothing' kinda thing, but an proactive approach. First to seek what God wants to do, then to do what His plans are. If He says to do nothing, then do nothing. If He says to do something, then by all means do it!
Saying we trust in God to make it beautiful doesn't mean we should just do whatever we want and let God clean up behind us. While He can and He will do that, He surely has a better plan and a more beautiful way. Lets not limit God to only being able to work when things are messed up by us. A friend said it well. "Being disobedient doesn't alter God's love for us. But it does make us go a bigger loop before receiving what God has installed for us."
I admit this is hardest of all. To know what God wants and to do what He wants. And its crazy, especially if its something that the world will sneer at.
But trusting God means finding His assurance and His peace even as we do what He has planned. And when it gets difficult, to trust in Him more. To lean upon His strength and not our own. To know that He will work through us, and also through other vessels and methods.
Trusting God is a hard thing for a fallible human to do. Yet it can only be the most beautiful thing to do. Who am I, but a vapor in the wind? A speck in the cosmos? Yet the Creator of all things would mark me and set me apart.
Lord, help me know Your will. And to trust You for it. Amen
trust in 2008
12:30 AM
Today its harder. Much harder. The cries of a lonely night.
I feel strained to my limit. I don't think I can give any more.
But yet I must remember I relie on only One.
He alone completes me.
Though my heart yearns, He will understand.
In His time, He will make all things beautiful.
In His time, He will make you even more beautiful.
I must see beyond the today and the now. For with everything related to God, its always about an eternity.
So as I grow myself for your sake, so I would remember that the ultimate goal is Him.
I cannot live my life thinking only of now.
I must remember an eternity exist, that tomorrow is not too far away.
God made you a treasure, don't just give your heart away to someone who's not meant to have it for all eternity.
Don't ruin the pearl before it forms.
Tonight I reach my limits.
Only Your grace is enough.
And I will live on, to love another day.
What can I do or say to let you know that you're special to me. More than just another person.
God grant me your grace.
special one...
Sunday, December 30, 2007
1:01 AM
Cell Dinner was a blast. And I believed everyone who ate the salad is still alive. So that's a good sign...
Games was pretty fun too.... The forfeits were... interesting... Heh
I feel a little off now. Gut instincts are telling me something. But I could be wrong. It seems I am mostly correct and only I truly doubt myself. Maybe I'll find out...
I feel blue.
At least my nails look pretty. Hah (So wrong, I will not say that again)
I finally remember the line I was trying to remember yst, from the song from enchanted. Its not good enough to take the one you love for granted. Heh... Been listening to a lot of the enchanted OST.
I'm halfway thru my book. And I reached this wonderful chapter. Hard to say it out here. But something about guarding your heart for the person that you'll spend the rest of your life with. Of course this was written for ladies, but in the middle they had a portion on what Godly men look for in a woman. They gave the illustration that every woman is a pearl. And a real man would not seek to attain the pearl prematurely. But to wait for God's timing, and to wait patiently till she would give the prize willingly. And then to cherish that prize forever.
If a relationship is not intended for forever, then every short term relationship we have just serves to tear out bits of us. Damaging the prize for the one who should truly receive it. Faithfulness begins even before you meet the person. Preparing for the day that God will bring that person in.
I love this book. Realistic yet beautiful. The way it should be. It should always make sense, yet give the idea that there is a perfect picture for everything.
I give a quote from the book that I thought was rather interesting, "If I'm interested in a girl, it may be frustratin if she doesn't fall for me right away, but deep down I am all the more intrigued be the challenge of winning her heart." I mean, if you look at this the right way, its like pretty 'wow'.
The book says a lot lot more. So it might seem its a bit lopsided based on what I've given here, but the book balances it out pretty well. A lot of food for thought.
love is in the giving...
Saturday, December 29, 2007
4:15 AM
I did my trial test of the caesar salad. And I tell you I almost died when I ate it. It was heavenly. Wahahahah:D (self praise is international disgrace) No larh. It was good. It was edible (important first criteria) and it tasted like how I thought caesar salad should taste like. A few improvements to make but it should be fine. I love cooking. Its rather fun :) Best is when you taste your own cooking or you see other people eat it and their eyes go big and they like it :) So a pretty full afternoon tomorrow preparing the croutons and stuff... but think I'm going to need a super BIG bowl considering the amount I ate.
So as I was eating my home made caesar salad, I watch "Must Love Dogs" which I rented from ezy video. I love this show. The characters are super kooky. Jake and Sarah. And I guess Romantic movies have the same effect on me. Hm... I liked it when Jake said, while describing his image of Sarah "... she's a mess. It's lovely." Something like that. "Moment of connection."
Of course the morals for the show leave a lot to be desired for. But I still love the romantic notions of love. It paints a beautiful picture. But I guess my Father's picture is way way better. I guess the works of our hands (movies, books, paintings, etc. ) give but a small little glimpse of the beauty side of love. "The sweeter song" as a book called it. Have we traded the most beautiful side of love for a cheap image of it?
"How does she know that you love her?" Not take her for granted. Little things. Finding new ways to tell her. A little everyday.
Okay... I'm beginning to lose my coherency. Shall hit the sack, for a new day is dawning~!!
toss, toss, toss...
Friday, December 28, 2007
1:44 PM
I'm in neutral now. Things weighing down on both sides has pushed me into the admittance of a neutral state. I cannot bring myself to say okay because I ain't truly alright. Neither can I being myself to say I'm depressed because there has been good things as well. So I'm forced into a state of neutrality.
I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately. And I can't seem to find the answers. Not within me anyway. Maybe from an outside source bah. Ministry. Person. God. I'm scared to follow through in case I'm wrong, in case I be called a fool.
But before I forget. I really wanna thank God for my academics. I think its a mini miracle really. and in itself, I'm happy. But seeing others kinda take the edge of it a bit.
I'm glad the house is empty today. I can make as much noise as I want. Rather than to be quiet. I can talk to myself. Then at least the silence will be chased away, and I can talk about the stuff I wanna talk about.
I realised emo-alpha doesn't really like happy-alpha. Seems weird to him, the way that happy-alpha is. As for me, I don't really know which alpha I prefer. Maybe its just because I don't see a lot of happy-alpha so it seems a little weird on hindsight. So for people who have seen my smile and laugh a lot, its a privilege hor~ Even I don't find that often...
Am not sad, am not happy. In between. A state of neutrality.
*edit*
Something has tipped the balance. I'm leaning towards happy now. Why? Its kinda complicated. Ask me and see if I can explain it. hehz:P
Hope you had a blast of a day.
balancing act...
12:50 AM
Its a quiet thursday with nothing much happening. It was a nice and lovely day. Time to just do stuff. I packed my room somewhat. If I tell you the reason for my sudden cleanliness impulse, I bet you you'll laugh.
It was not the only impulse today. I had many ideas coming into my mind. A lot about ministry. Some about people. Some very nice. Some really stupid. Hahah. I wonder if I'll do them all. Who knows?
Love actually was just showing. Its a fun show to watch. Laughing to myself and the television screen. A prime minister who searches the streets. A guy who learns another language and flies to another country. A little boy bursting through airport security. And of course the guy who fell in love with keira knightly but was too late. "without hope or agenda" Haiz~ what words to have. Christmas day~ "Its the day you tell the truth..." Something like that...
I love the songs too. All I Want For Christmas Is You (Mariah Carey)
I don't want a lot for Christmas There's just one thing I need I don't care about presents Underneath the Christmas tree I just want you for my own More than you could ever know Make my wish come true... All I want for Christmas Is you...
I don't want a lot for Christmas There is just one thing I need I don't care about presents Underneath the Christmas tree I don't need to hang my stocking There upon the fireplace Santa Claus won't make me happy With a toy on Christmas day I just want you for my own More than you could ever know Make my wish come true All I want for Christmas is you... You baby
I won't ask for much this Christmas I won't even wish for snow I'm just gonna keep on waiting Underneath the mistletoe I won't make a list and send it To the North Pole for Saint Nick I won't even stay awake to Hear those magic reindeer click 'Cause I just want you here tonight Holding on to me so tight What more can I do Baby all I want for Christmas is you You...
All the lights are shining So brightly everywhere And the sound of children's Laughter fills the air And everyone is singing I hear those sleigh bells ringing Santa won't you bring me the one I really need Won't you please bring my baby to me
Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas This is all I'm asking for I just want to see baby Standing right outside my door Oh I just want him for my own More than you could ever know Make my wish come true Baby all I want for Christmas is You
All I want for Christmas is you baby [repeat]
And then the little boy's face was quite funny at the end of this nice song.
One more... Both Sides Now (Joni Mitchell)
Bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air And feather canyons everywhere, i've looked at cloud that way. But now they only block the sun, they rain and snow on everyone. So many things i would have done but clouds got in my way.
I've looked at clouds from both sides now, From up and down, and still somehow It's cloud illusions i recall. I really don't know clouds at all.
Moons and junes and ferris wheels, the dizzy dancing way you feel As every fairy tale comes real; i've looked at love that way. But now it's just another show. you leave 'em laughing when you go And if you care, don't let them know, don't give yourself away.
I've looked at love from both sides now, From give and take, and still somehow It's love's illusions i recall. I really don't know love at all.
Tears and fears and feeling proud to say "i love you" right out loud, Dreams and schemes and circus crowds, i've looked at life that way. But now old friends are acting strange, they shake their heads, they say I've changed. Something's lost but something's gained in living every day.
I've looked at life from both sides now, From win and lose, and still somehow It's life's illusions i recall. I really don't know life at all
I believe this was the song that played as keira knightley's character found out that the guy liked her. With the whole videotape and stuff. "but you never talked to me!" That teaches you to be careful about what you leave lying around even if its just at home. Wahaha:D
Haiz~ results...
love actually is everywhere...
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
7:30 PM
Bad dreams, getting waken up abruptly to buy dinner, listening to sad songs, and cold fries, make it real easy to be emo. So I am now emo.
I've got questions. Selfish questions I guess. I've got stuff to say. Personal stuff. I don't know how to handle these. Shall go figure.
uncertainties are trying to wreck me. Hard work is fine, uncertainty is unsettling. Who likes to work without knowing what will happen. Yet, it is my joy to do so. I do wish to know what will happen but thats near impossible. So I work on faith and trust. They shall be my fuel.
Haiz~ talk to me tomorrow. Out of sorts right now... Tomorrow the emo-ness will pass though the thoughts remain. Smilez all around.
*edit*
A bit of cartoon and soccer helped quite a bit... Go Manchester! If I like something, I usually wear it on my sleeve, wahaha. But I haven't gotten the newest jersey yet... > < over 100 dollars... and this month isn't the month to try and start saving for it...
I realised lately I keep editing my post. Not like an add-on. But as in actually edit the wordings for the originals without indicating it. So if you come back like an hour or so later, you might actually find my original posts getting a re-phrase. heheh. Try to make sure I don't say things wrongly... So it'll pay to re-read again for changes! hahahz
Tired, but not so keen on sleeping. Sleeping has been a little whacked for me lately. Can't get to like just sleep as much as I want. Always falling short... Don't know why.
Hiding...
12:39 PM
My mind is not where I'm at.
I wonder what is going through that mind.
I wonder if I'll ever know.
But I wait.
Because that's all I can do.
To let you know I'm waiting
aWith my hand out-stretched.
To share the burden of your thoughts.
don't let me wait too long, lest i think you've forgotten...
But I know you won't.
so here I stand,
waiting.
corner of the street...
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
10:22 PM
Today has indeed been a merry Christmas. I would have given anything for a special Christmas. And seeing situation as it is, I think its as close as it gets to being good.
I took a moment today to remember Christmas one year ago. Lunch at a place in paragon. A long table full of people, and me trying to calculate the bill. Just a few tables away, but the minds were worlds apart. Two lives on different paths not meeting nor intersecting. Each not really knowing the other, besides a few simple laughs and interactions. Both were just ideas to each other. So close were two lifes, yet so far. One year on, how things have changed. So far, yet nearer. How drastic one year can be. I wonder what it would have been like if the time frame had been a year earlier. I wonder one year from now, on Christmas of 2008, what will I be thinking. What will I be reflecting on. What will have changed. Trust and Faith in the Ultimate Plan. My wish, my dreams.
Christmas is the perfect excuse to give. I ain't worried about how wide spread my name is becoming. So long as my actions match my feelings. But I feel bad. I only managed to get cards for people and some chocolate marshmallow thingy. No presents for people. So sorry peeps.
And I'm super super tired. Haven't had chance to catch up on sleep. Waking for service on sunday, waking for a call on monday and then waking super early today so I can get everything done before people started leaving their houses. But its all worth it :) Smiles all around for people!!
And the day was a bit dippy after 10 a.m. service. But I had a great afternoon. Wandering around with the little girl. Talking about people we know. Sharing a bit. Me falling asleep. Us waiting for violent girl. Watching movie. Eating dinner. Them teasing me about smiling while looking at my phone. Seeing the little girl at the edge of wakefulness.
And the response was much better than I thought. Stand there and laugh. :D
Seeing people laugh and smile has been great. Esp. so when some smiles are sweeter than others.
I hope tomorrow doesn't drop too suddenly. Don't punch me out or kick out my legs from under me. Have a feeling it will, hoping it wouldn't.
What have you decided? What will you do? Will you do whatever is necessary even though its tough to? Will you not mindlessly get swept by the current? Is it a memory or a feeling? A looking forward or a looking back? Are you just continuing what you started for the sake of it? What is the purpose and the end product? Just try and see how? Or reaching for the end line? Saying God 'bless my plans'? Or asking God 'what is Your's?' ?
Many questions but I trust in God's work in you.
And God has a way of telling you stuff. I asked for a prayer on one thing and God turns it around. Instead, telling me what I needed to hear instead of what I wanted to. God I will ponder more. And I have tried. Opening just a creak in the door. God guide me, God lead me.
beauty in your eyes...
1:24 AM
CCM! I'm love contemp. christian music. The lyrics are so meaningful and the songs are nice! So far I've gotten Casting Crowns' newest album. And I love it... just let me put up three songs I think are really cool...
What This World Needs lyrics
What this world needs is not another one hit wonder with an axe to grind Another two bit politician peddling lies Another three ring circus society What this world needs is not another sign waving super saint that's better than you Another ear pleasing candy man afraid of the truth Another prophet in an Armani suit
What this world needs is a Savior who will rescue A Spirit who will lead A Father who will love them in their time of need A Savior who will rescue A Spirit who will lead A Father who will love That's what this world needs
What this world needs is for us to care more about the inside than the outside Have we become so blind that we can't see God's gotta change her heart before He changes her shirt What this world needs is for us to stop hiding behind our relevance Blending in so well that people can't see the difference And it's the difference that sets the world free
Jesus is our Savior, that's what this world needs Father's arms around you, that's what this world needs That's what this world needs
Slow Fade lyrics
Be careful little eyes what you see It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings Be careful little feet where you go For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid When you give yourself away People never crumble in a day It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade
Be careful little ears what you hear When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near Be careful little lips what you say For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid When you give yourself away People never crumble in a day
The journey from your mind to your hands Is shorter than you're thinking Be careful if you think you stand You just might be sinking
It's a slow fade when you give yourself away It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid When you give yourself away People never crumble in a day Daddies never crumble in a day Families never crumble in a day
Oh be careful little eyes what see Oh be careful little eyes what you see For the Father up above is looking down in love Oh be careful little eyes what you see
Prayer For A Friend lyrics
Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do I lift my friend to You Complicated circumstances have clouded his view Lord, I lift my friend up to You
I fear that I won't have the words that he needs to hear I pray for Your wisdom, oh God, and a heart that's sincere Lord, I lift my friend up to You
Lord, I lift my friend to You My best friend in the world, I know he means much more to You I want so much to help him, but this is something he has to do And Lord, I lift my friend up to You
'cause there's a way that seems so right to him But You know where that leads He's becoming a puppet of the world, too blind to see the strings Lord, I lift my friend up to You My friend up to You
Lord, I lift my friend to You, I've done all that I know to do I lift my friend to You
The songs don't have a particular reference or reason why I like them... I just do~
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Good advice and meaningful talks. I pray that you'll honor God above all else. And if I could... the last song, I dedicate it to you. Godspeed!
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Finally done with christmas stuff. It should be fun and hopefully well received by their respective people. Quick nap and then an early dawn calls.
I finished the cards much faster than I thought. Be honored if you get one! Wahahah:D
Am off to bed.
Merry Christmas peeps! May His love shine upon this festive season. God loves and keeps.
beauty in a flower...
Saturday, December 22, 2007
11:07 PM
Camp has ended. And I'm exhausted. For many reasons. Firstly having to do so much... Secondly, being in charge, thirdly, you.
I'm amazed by how much it occupies me. How much I enjoy being near you. And everything about you.
And I'm scared to close my eyes. Because if I fall asleep and wake up tomorrow, I might find that you're gone. Each moment is precious like a pearl, because they are rare and I might never find them again. I'm afraid to look up and find that you're gone.
Many words till the sun broke the night. Laughter and seriousness. I like making you laugh. At least for a moment, you weren't so guarded. It felt like the real you was there. And it felt like the real me was there too. 2 friends. Sharing, telling. If anything, for a moment my burdens lifted as I sought to know you. I so hope you wouldn't close on me. Sometimes people got to deal with the fact that people actually have friends and confidantes that they talk to, and they really shouldn't be insecure. Furthermore, because the other person already promised and she will and can do that.
Sometimes, I think, people can't do the things they say.
I've decided I'll wait. What's a few years. Love is patient right? I have to work on Love does not envy though...
And my radar is always active... My ears and eyes pick up any hints of your presence. I shall try not to look though... probably irks you some what...
the soft glow of the candle, embraces your face, the beauty of the flame reflecting in the sweetness of your eyes.
I wonder what you're thinking. You've told me some. And I cherish it so much. Honesty.
And I wonder if you're thinking it good, bad or insignificant. The convo, I mean. In the end, nothing much really changed. But at least now I know some part of your mind.
Don't avoid me. Don't ignore me. Don't push me away. Don't hate me. Please. I ask this. Are you ignoring me now? Don't think so... must be a reason...
I'm scared to show my smile, lest you forget me. I'm scared to show you my tears, lest your detest me...
Asking God to help me love more without expecting a return. Unconditional. Sacrificial. ------------------------
I know this post like quite depressing... Camp was great. The activities were fun and everything... but if you wanna know more then ask me. I did have fun, and I did learn stuff. I just don't post them here.
I tend to post stuff I want to or stuff that's bothering me badly. So that's why it may seem lopsided sometimes...
Love is in the giving.
Not for an outcome or response. Just because I want to love you. That simple.
expanding my heart's limits...
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
1:29 AM
Me and my big mouth. In danger now... Thread carefully my friend.
I'm feeling whimsical lately. All ready to spout romantic nonsense. Hahah.
Am feeling a bit weak... sick and tired I think... God, help...
Don't stop. Please. Sort it out. Door, please don't close~
full steam~!
Monday, December 17, 2007
11:57 PM
I watched Enchanted! I loved the beginning and then the end also... Everybody looks so much nicer as an animated character! hahahaz... I wonder what animated Alphonsus will look like... hm~
I love Fairy Tales. I love feel-good shows. A little hope always bodes well. Even though I guess fairy tales don't happen in real life, I think we can come damn close. I guess the Fairy Tale ending of Happily Ever After, will only come when our Prince comes to take us into eternity. And maybe Fairy Tales reflect that sort of desire. Because if we're not hoping for a happy ending, then life is pointless and a waste of time. Its just a little further off, waiting at the threshold of eternity.
Meanwhile, we try. For a little happy ending. Or at least just a little happy. I know what makes me happy. And I know what makes you happy.
I see a dream. But I think its different from others. at least different from yours. But whats years compared to eternity.
I absolutely loved the ballroom scene. "So Close". I felt a truckload of feelings. Haiz. Lost, Desire, Love, Hurt, Pain, Longing, Etc.
Jon Mclaughlin - So Close lyrics
You’re in my arms And all the world is calm The music playing on for only two So close together And when I’m with you So close to feeling alive
A life goes by Romantic dreams will stop So I bid mine goodbye and never knew So close was waiting, waiting here with you And now forever I know All that I wanted to hold you So close
So close to reaching that famous happy end Almost believing this was not pretend And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come So far we are so close
How could I face the faceless days If I should lose you now? We’re so close To reaching that famous happy end And almost believing this was not pretend Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are So close So close And still so far
I just love this song SO much... But its a song I can't sing... It just doesn't fit...
I love application. But it didn't fit... But applying helps me sympathise I guess.
I saw two things as I watched that ballroom scene. Where do I stand? What do I see? I saw me dancing. And I saw me looking at you dance. Is this how it feels? so close yet so far...
Aiz... today I let slip... Too indulged in the movie liao... hahahaz...
if you had asked me why, I would say it was my job... But then that wouldn't have been totally the truth... "I don't wanna close my eyes... cause I miss you, baby and I don't wanna miss a thing..." Hahahz, song-crazy...
SO tempting to show-hand. I am a crazy fellow who does crazy stuff... But... I have the same fears and insecurities as anyone else... But, thats for me to know and for you to ask...
How can she look like you? that's impossible!! But seeing her pulls me back across to the other face. Am I going nuts or do I need sleep?
I think I might eatch enchanted again. Just for that ballroom scene. if after camp they're still showing... I'm going!!
Famous Happy End...
Sunday, December 16, 2007
11:52 PM
Long day~ But I shall not complain, so no mention of the hours or whatever. It is worth it! For this cause!
I like rice! Fragrant and soft. hee!!
What I would give to read minds this weekend. To know the thoughts and reactions. Attentions directed. But I guess I can't. So I trust.
Temptations to say things... so horrible... shhhhhhh... "don't ruin it."
Manchester United are now top... And for the first time in a long while, I hope chelsea wins.
I hate handphones at the moment. For a really stupid reason. > < Ask me if you wanna know what. for all the convenience... They are driving me nuts.
And then I seriously could find better things to talk about! Making stupid comments, and sounding so argumentative, when actually I'm not. I think I'm trying too hard to be normal and then its not me liao... Mental note to self, say something nicer and smarter next time round!
monster taxi driver. Thank God I'm alive.
I swear its the softener...
1 bottle for 30 cents, 5 bottles for a dollar...
I really need to work on singing... I will get better. I love to sing!!
Seems like a lot of one liners today...
No need to look for hidden lines, not one today.
Trusting is when you open youself to be hurt.
Power without control is useless, power without direction is pointless.
Alfonso and now this week, Alfondue. seriously! what other nicknames can we come up with...
You make me happy.
Out of hundreds over a few years. I read 2 and already I cannot take it... how did I do it last time round. How to find the information I'm looking for?
okok, last random line liao, forgot what else I wanted to say...
dunamis...
Saturday, December 15, 2007
11:51 PM
Normal is good. Appreciative of what little I get... Because I know what its like to lose it. So to have it... means the world. What ever is happening underneath, I can only trust and believe in the goodness of you.
one day down! A few more to go. And then camp! Lets light this place up! and paint the town red! Fire fall down! w00ts!
smiles all around. because my God is good, even when I forget that He's good. He's faithful. I've got a saviour in me, WOAH!
Today I learn more piano. Shall try broken chords. and figure out rugrats also :D And this december I think I've played more guitar than the whole year combined. Still suck at bar chords... but getting there!
And I realised. All the time I keep asking of pple, when I should be asking myself. Do I care? And I guess sometimes I'm biased towards caring for certain people. So the question is not am I loved, but do I love? Because the first answer is automatic! God loves and that should be enough to fill my gap. What do I do with that then. Share it a little. Love a little bit more. Give a little more. I figure disappointments will come, betrayal maybe, failures and inadequacies too. But I love to love. Even more than being loved, maybe, sometimes. If I can share your burdens, or share your laughters. Share your memories and your questions. Then I guess that's good enough :D If you don't understand why, then let me say that I have no idea why also. Why God loves me, or why He loves you, or then why should I love you. Love is in the giving. *nods*
And I pray that I have enough to give. Fill me up, Lord, that i may give others a little as well... :)
This is so much bigger than just me. A Love revolution is coming! His kingdom is at hand. So won't you break free and dance in His love? Wahahah ;)
Begin with me by Point Of Grace
Lord I know sometimes you look down and shake Your head When we know what we should do and do the other thing instead We're living in glass houses and we're throwing sticks and stones The love that will come to us is the love that we have shown
Ignite a fire in my spirit And when I want to make a difference This will be my prayer
Begin with me Turn my world upside down Come change my heart around Lord keep on washing me clean Begin with me Come and renew my mind And lead me to the light 'Til I am more like You Jesus Begin, begin with me
Have you ever noticed how we love to give advice We offer up suggestions without thinking twice Got 20/20 vision when we're watching someone else But it's a little blurry when we're looking at ourselves
I can't forget to check the mirror That's where I find the only one That He wants me to change
Starting right here, right now Lord I surrender to You Ready to serve Ready to love 'Cause that is all that matters in the end
The Way I was made to be by Chris Tomlin
Caught in the half-light, I’m caught alone Waking up to the sunrise and the radio Feels like I’m tied-up, what’s holding me? Just praying today will be the day I go free
I want to live like there’s no tomorrow I want to dance like no one’s around I want to sing like nobody’s listening Before I lay my body down I want to give like I have plenty I want to love like I’m not afraid I want to be the man I was meant to be I want to be the way I was made
Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands Made to discover who You are and who I am All I’ve forgotten help me to find All that You’ve promised let it be in my life
I want to live like there’s no tomorrow I want to dance like no one’s around I want to sing like nobody’s listening Before I lay my body down I want to give like I have plenty I want to love like I’m not afraid I want to be the man I was meant to be I want to be the way I was made
ohhhhh The way I was made Ohhhh I want to live like there’s no tomorrow I want to dance like no one’s around I want to sing like nobody’s listening Before I lay my body down I want to give like I have plenty I want to love like I’m not afraid I want to be the man I was meant to be I want to be the way I was made I want to be the way I was made I want to be the way I was made
kingdom in my eyes...
Friday, December 14, 2007
10:45 PM
I don't know if I'm right or if I'm wrong. I don't even know if I wanna be right if it means people won't like it.
I watched a lot of old shows again. A lot like Love. The Perfect Man. Its like looking backing. Good memories.
Do I project my own shortcomings unto others? Do I see myself in others. And why is it that when I see myself, I only see my flaws. Do I see the me that you see?
I feel like I've sat down long enough. Its time to restart. To regain the purpose that I started this year with. I want to show you that me you see now is not really me. The me in June, July, that was me. This me kinda pops up here and there. And perhaps it stays around longer than it is welcomed. I want to let the other side come back out. The side that smiles. The side that loves without regard. The me that sings and dances like the world doesn't see... to be the me that I was made to be.
So I publicly ask for your forgiveness. To have had to deal with this me. To have had to see this me. In the process make it difficult for you. I come humbly. broken.
And then have faith in me. When nothing seems to work, have faith in me and my God. Don't give up on me yet.
Let the renewal begin. Let the restoration start.
God send...
12:44 PM
hey pal. Congratulations. I've never seen a bigger klutz. Next time, don't waste a good morning. You don't have much of it.
no. 1 clown...
Thursday, December 13, 2007
2:27 PM
*Shutting down terminal*
Keep it in. For God's sake. And yours.
Just today. I shall protect others. whatever the cost.
Forgive me if I failed...
*edit* I hate this is how I should forget my pain. By seeing yours. Never would I wish for that. I will carry as much as you'll let me. Happiness for you. Joy to dwell in your heart. Peace to calm the storm. Assurance to drive away the fear. Hope to replace the sorrow. Please God, watch over her.
Deny myself. Take up my cross.
at first I was afraid, I was petrified...
12:24 AM
I don't know if I have the strength. So help me God
It was nice to supper with pple I don't usually spend time with. Sorry to some pple for talking army stuff~
The questions and thoughts are creeping back... I must resist. Reaching for the doorbell but keeping my hands off. No need for me to spoil a good day. Thats as far as I go this time, the best I can resist. *zip* Arh~ Not good enough... Try harder!
I should really choose easier songs... I need a miracle.
I don't know if I'm strong enough.
*edit* I am not strong enough. That's why, anything good that happens, its not me. Its Him. God does the work. All I need is to sit and His feet.
devil within me...
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
11:41 PM
Today I feel like a little release. I just want to know. Hearing things that I want to hear. does it scare you that I get in? rhetorical question. Shall step out for a while, for as long as I can manage to.
Today I became a superhero PI. I felt like was trying to dig up their dirt and evaluating their worth. So funny.
Many many many songs. Anxiety. Worry. I really think the process will be fun and the end point worth it. But still, its new. And I don't know how much support I got going into this thing. >< ><
I like Batman. He's commitment to justice. Search for connection. His pain and strength despite it. People always think that cartoons and comics are childish. If they only knew. Our media reflects our fears, hopes, dreams, nightmares. It shows us. Parts of us. Here and there. Each one giving an insight into our own struggles both as individuals and as a species.
I love Hilary Duff! She was perhaps my biggest crush~ There, I admit it kay! Wahahaha. But not now larh... I don't really know the Hilary now... when she was like 14-17 bahz... after that lost ~ Which I'm sure some people like my "mom" would be glad.
Subject Registration today! So funny. Sitting at my comp at 1.28 and waiting for 1.30 and then clicking like mad... then realising i put Prescribed instead of General... Then clicking around like mad wondering why I can't change. Then realising I mixed up my index number with the module number -_-" Can kick myself lor. But at least its fixed. So next sem no more same mistake!!
Btw, results out on 28 dec! Thats like SUPER late~ So long from now... > < style="font-style: italic;">let the redeemed of the Lord say so!
2:13 AM
KABOOM!
There I go again. I blow up and keep putting the things I hold dearest at biggest risk. Self destructive tendencies. I really need help. I wonder if subconciously I'm just trying to test how far it'll go before it breaks. Maybe I just want to confirm that truly nobody can love this person here. Maybe I want to be like House. You know, M.D. House. Brillant but lonely. Smart but misunderstood. But no larh, won't go as far to say I'm smart. Besides he's just a character on tv.
It's just nice to be needed. Wanted. but the world doesn't stop for me. perhaps no one will know if I'm gone. Would you? A search for significance. A search for love. A search for something.
I don't know the right answers anymore. I don't know the right response. Keep it in and destroy the trust. Let it out and destroy the peace. Be happy and forgotten. Be sad and despised. At the end of the day, be alone.
"to know that my being here made a difference" said an old man dying in pain on a hospital bed. "I just want to talk" said a lady who was raped. I love this episode of House. I'm glad I stayed up to watch it. "Because you hurt too..."
Melodramatic I am... Indulgent maybe. Can't stand it? Then sorry. Perhaps you're at the wrong room. You can also leave, the door is open.
Days like these and I wonder if anybody cares. Enough to call. Enough to msg. Enough to sit with me and talk about the weather. Enough to put a hand on my shoulder. Enough to spend a little time. Enough to figure me out. Enough to want to come in.
"Why do you want me?" "I don't know." More of House again.
Why is everyone so dismissive of my sorrow. All in the head. Its my own responsibility. Thanks. Everyone has the same problems. Etc. Sounds nice, even right. But its all just philosophy for I don't care that much.
Why all the hypocrisy. All the pretence. Thats all they ever do...
My God cares for me. I only wish you would care half as much. You think you do? Oh, I wish I could show you how wrong you are. But I do hope you're right and I'm wrong though.
Tired of typing it out... If you wanna know then talk to me. I dare you to. I dare you to try to be a real friend. I dare you to keep trying even if you fail initially. hehz... I'm going nuts. I'm perhaps the hardest person on earth to love, to be a friend to. Any takers?
Talk is cheap...
Sunday, December 09, 2007
6:01 PM
I realised not eating means I feel cold much easier. Brrrr. And stupid gastric during my meeting of all things. Hate gastric... One pain followed by another...
I see the difference I guess... perhaps its too difficult bah... should I lie or tell the truth? Would you bother?
I shouldn't have been pushy I guess... a better explanation would have been better bah... in the end like forcing the acceptance :( But still its given in the best possible intentions. A wish. I wonder if I'll garner anything besides guilt... gratefulness would be nice... happiness would be best... Besides I actually quite enjoyed doing such 'stupid' things. Purpose, Creativity, Determination among other traits used. And reaching the end point. But above all is the person's reaction~ I love to see the receiver smile, or face lighten up... Because brightening other's day brightens mine... But it seems though I always work towards that. It never reaches there. Perhaps I have poor social skills or poor ability to read people. I always seem to produce more dislike, anger, guilt, etc. And it only applies in my case. Usually if you ask me for advice, I'll probably being able to give you some good ones. And I would say I do read people well. The problem arises when its related to me...
It seems the hours just before dawn are always longest. In this season of winter, my days are short and nights long. I look to the time when the sun will rise on me again...
And I'm beginning to think that I should be less open in my posting. Perhaps I really shouldn't share my thoughts and just keep things to myself. Not like if I knew whether you actually are bothered about me when you arrive at this page. Or whether you come here to see a show. I would like to know. A reassurance would be nice but then I wouldn't count on it... sorry if I'm being unfair to you guys... secondly, maybe sharing does more harm... people always said to share, don't bottle it... ... I don't know... not like I can prove otherwise... But I still come here... In the end its like talking to my blog. No replies, nothing. But I talk it out. And in the end, some parts of me also find this the only way to tell you some things...
Maybe I just ask too much...
Many stuff up soon...
Hungry~
even when its hard to believe even when our hope seems all gone there has never been a night without a dawn...
Saturday, December 08, 2007
2:05 AM
Its been a slow and quiet day... My bro is overseas so most parts of the day I spent it alone at home... But I'm quite glad today... because my special project is finishing... Now the icing would just be to be able to show someone... Too nice an idea to keep to myself...
And the weekend comes and marks perhaps one crazy sprint till 2008. God bless and Godspeed!
A wish I could give. Hah!:D
984/1000! soon...
Friday, December 07, 2007
3:29 AM
Woohoo! I got out of the house today! Not just to buy foo or what... But an actual out of the house kinda thing... it was nice to eat dinner with the group while celebrating clara's birthday. Second birthday surprise! hah!
It seems like we're all getting old. And it was nice to finally hear someone say that she didn't want to reach the end and think that all her life was wanting to get A's. I mean, I understand everything about excellence in your studies and stuff. But seriously, there are things that are more important. Studies itself (In the sense of academics, grades, etc.) shouldn't be an end but a means to accomplish something else. But of course I take great joy in learning~! Understanding the world... Eunice is a really deep and real, just a pity I don't converse much with her beyond the casual convos.
It seems like I cannot get the schedules to fit! First to plan and second to rehearse. We're running a dateline and still nothing seems closer to completion. Where's my panic button?
And I'm trying too hard to understand! To infer, To read the subtext. I must learn to relax and trust. In fact, I trust her more than I trust myself if I was in her shoes. I would surely have made stupid choices.
Oh, I begin to understand how easy it is to go anorexic. Okay, okay. Calm down~ I'm not =X I'm just saying its sorta easy to not eat much. And it actually becomes harder to eat more than to eat less. I mean like living on a tenth of a packet of rice per day, and that's whats considered a good day. If you got motivation to get past the first few days... after that its super easy. No wonder its so hard to break out of. The expectations and the rountine-ness of behaviour.
Oh~ I'm so hungry I think I'm going to sleep it off... breakfast tomorrow I hope~
880/1000
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
8:38 PM
Some people just turn me off so much that I just lose my appetite. Happily halfway through my dinner and my desire to eat just vanish like water on a hot pan. People who are irresponsible and are always leaving others to clear up their messes. Get a damn back bone.
How far out should I stick my neck? do I put myself on the line? To what ends shall I go?
Line of fire.
even to the extent of getting hated?
irresponsible idiots...
*add-on* I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. A burden I wish I need not bear. But I will. I must.
I only wish that I'll not be alone in bearing it. Would you carry this weight with me? And help me lift the burdens off my shoulders. To give courage. Strength. Hope. Yet, all fall away.
so wish my phone will buzz. but it remains silent. Only my service provider contacting me.
Look up. Look straight. The goal is ahead.
And television shows haven't been kind either! Lizzie Mcguire, Kim Possible, Heroes, Desperate Housewives... Like lizzie and kim re-ran the episodes that are like... so... appropriate. Then Heroes season 2 also... and today Desperate Housewives~! Haiz... all playing pranks on me. But I have fun shouting at my tv screen about that. "wassup!!!" Wwahhahah. Laughter from hurt. Maybe I'm delirious.
Thanks. A word that means more. A smile that brightens more. My God, help.For I still need to.
hoping for a hand but finding none...
12:49 AM
This is where I'll let my thoughts fly.
Its settled. I shall do whats best for you. I will handle it. I may harbour it for days or years. Hope may reside somewhere, to counter the hurt. Yet I promise myself, I'll not let you block me from see-ing the pple around me.
Perhaps life will be kind and send someone else my way. But I won't be holding my breathe. I will handle this. I will cope. Scarred but alive. God will heal and strengthen.
I will love still. But directed. Pro 17:17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Pro 18:24 A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Joh 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. I'll love as much a friend and a brother can.
I know you'll see, so I hope you'll see it in the right light. It may be misinterpreted, but I trust you more than that.
I must be crazy sometimes. "Crazy" by Patsy Cline... (that's the name I think) but crazy is me. and I like being crazy.
now, I'll give a wish... as a friend..
727/1000...
Monday, December 03, 2007
2:01 AM
Every man holds a weakness. A side they cannot show. For fear of losing the image of strength. What is strength? What is weakness?
Are the truly strong those who embrace their weakness? Or is that a bunch of new age bs. Traditional vs. modern? Retro vs. metro? Yet it never really changes. The image of strength. The person who doesn't care? Or the person who cares too much? The guy who never sheds a tear? or the one who shares his feelings? The one who stands? or the one who gets up?
Do we fear to show our weakness? Does it protect us, this image of strength? To love enough to not say, or to say? To keep it in or let it out?
Why be strong? Ecc 9:11 Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to those with knowledge, but time and chance happen to them all.
Can I be strong? But how to when the definition escapes me. What is strength and what is weakness.
No answer do I know but one thing. 2Co 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Dear God, May Your grace cover me. For you are my portion Lord, I shall not want. Amen.
695...
Sunday, December 02, 2007
12:23 AM
I'm now lame. Four sprained toes on my left foot, does not make for a very agile alphonsus. I'm just hoping it doesn't get worse tomorrow. Such things always take a while to worsen.
But pretty much its been a mundane day. The urgency of a lot of things is getting to me.
And now I'm not sure of anything anymore. Royally messed up. Haiz~~
Shall go sleep, and pray that tomorrow is a better day...
655...
Saturday, December 01, 2007
2:37 AM
I went to the book store today and it was monstrous. I figure this kinda topic gets quite a bit of publicity and dinner table time but felt like saying it again. As I queued waiting to pay for my color paper, a couple in front of me bought 200 over dollars of assessment books >_< That's my about my one year's worth of textbook, workbook and etc. It scared me even! I wasn't fond of assessment books and I never really did them anyway. Poor kids.
If you ask me, I rather have fond memories of playing with my parents ( not that I have much of such memories) than memories of doing assessment books while my parents overlook. The arguments for such practices do carry merit, but being privileged enough should carry some hint of contentment and enjoyment. If you're destitute and have to slog your way out, then go ahead. Some things in life do have to be worked for. But enjoying what is available at hand shouldn't be dissed either...
And it is true. You don't realise how much its worth till you lose it or if you've never had it. Family, friends. And it seems that is becoming the story of my life. A whole bunch of ifs. Ah-ma, god-sis, and now jj. Aiyahz~ what's wrong with me deh... They always say grip too tight and the sand flows out faster. But they never mention that even if you don't, it still flows out. You can't keep the sand alone, you'll always need the other hands. Two hands to clap, they say. Two to tango. Hard to dance if you're not sure if you're both following the same dance steps. Confidence in yourself, trust in your partner's.
Now, I'm just making it up as I go. Improvisation.
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DCOMs are nice to watch and I love Kim Possible. Much more than Totally Spies. Go figure.
