I think I'm getting vague familar with the television schedule. I design my breaks just when a program starts. So my whole day is kinda structured and routine.

And I'm starting to wonder if the dye that is coming off unto my fingers is toxic. I realise even the gold and silver ones are flaking unto my fingers. And it kind of makes me wonder if the product comes from China or something. Lead based paint *shivers*. Hahah. Paranoia more like it.

Started Heroes Season 2. Its still pretty cool. Maybe it helps that I only started watching Heroes last week so the buzz is still kinda there.

Hiro, I feel your pain brother~.

A lot of things aren't going as I had hoped for. My entire outlook on this year end period is so different then from acouple of weeks back. Then, I would have been happy if things rolled on and into the new year. Now, I'm just stumbling from weekend to weekend. Haiz. What I would give to have a do-over. Maybe if I close my eyes and concentrate REALLY hard. Hahah... Where's Hiro when you need him.

It's been a long time since I had a merry Christmas. Doesn't look like this year will be the one, but I am sure hoping so. Not to mention camp too. I have this 'pattern' with camps. Ask me if you're interested. But lets see who will actually ask me about my life... erm... count 0?
One thing I've always wanted for a camp, is to have one nice long talk into the night. Cross my fingers =X

All I want for Christmas? Not my two front teeth. Think more along the lines of Love Actually.

Here comes December







505/1000... Landmark!

I should not... and I will not... not for the next two days... tie my hands!

---------------

The days are becoming routine... shall go find a hobby... maybe origami! ahahahz:D

---------------

I have been looking inwards. Searching my thoughts and my feelings. My intentions and desires. And no longer do I know what will make me happy.

I saw an episode of oprah today about happiness. It was quite typical I guess. The usualy hoo-hah about happiness.
If I keep trying hard, then it should mean my locus of control is internal. But then I feel like my success is determined by circumstances, therefore it should then be external. It figures why one should never psychologically analyse oneself. Doesn't work so well.

If I want it I try? If I love it, I try? Let go? Wait?

All questions without an answer.

Am I me? Do I even like me?
Guess one of my biggest flaws is not knowing how to be loved.
Neither am I expecting to be loved, and even if i was, I probably couldn't recognize it.

Happiness? A pipe dream perhaps.

Perhaps my misery will contribute to other's happiness. Equaling out some sort of balance. Work hard and don't ask.
---------------

*Pat on my back*
I managed to flip burger patties with my frying pan without the use of utensils.
*toss* *toss*









405/1000

I'm not sure...

Need a talk...

not sure...

I had a moment of silence as I looked out upon the night sky. Only my new sofa allows me to do that. I had a moment with my God.

In the vast expense I felt alone. I thought about the purpose of my efforts. To what goals will all my striving bring me. I felt like a little insect struggling against the flow of time. Trying so hard for what seems like nothing. Too tiny against the vastness of existence.

Some things felt futile, but not worthless. And the worth keeps me going, lets me get up and try again. Aiding me to soldier on, sometimes even foolishly.

Yet in that moment, I had a memory, a trust. Besides God, that memory stood close. A trust that I'm not alone.

So I whispered a prayer unto my God. You might think it a selfish prayer, but it was honest and sincere. My God hears and answers.

----------------

Facing the paper(s) all day is quite testing on my endurance... but at least its picking up pace...









250/1000...

I thank God for everything right that has happened. It was really refreshing to be honest with Him.

Now things are okay, I wish they would remain just as it is at this moment. To not change, to not fade.

------------------

My days are looking a bit blend now... Holidays and nothing much to do but embark on my project... hm... must try to get out of the house...





150/1000

I've finally found my respite... everything seems to have resumed... like as if it all stopped and then kinda just rebooted...

I'm just glad to know that things are well and that she's feeling better... Jesus' love never fails...

Now to look to the front...







80/1000...

*edit*
I'm hungry >_<

I realised something today... I didn't ask you how you felt... I don't know how much it tears you up, or broke you apart... The last words before you left... and I didn't ask you 'how are you...'

now I figure you're home, resting...
wondering if you've read his mail, pondering on whether you knew others cared too...

I think too much for my own good... yet, my good isn't what's on my mind...

Dear God,
watch over your daughter, like a shepherd over his flock, like a father over his children. May Your loveshine... that she'll know your love never fades, is patient, is kind and endures forever.

May you empower your 'vessel' to exhibit a fraction as much of your love. Lord, I intercede for her and may You turn things around.

Let Your will be done. In You we trust.

In Jesus' name,
Amen







21/1000....

It played out in my sleep. An ideal of circumstances. But is it only reflective or does it tell of something deeper...

I saw you... finally... for so long...

And now I'm just letting it wash over me...
lingering in the moments, remembering the words, reaching out for the tears.

heh...

so cryptic...






vision...

My mother asked me if something was wrong with me today... in the manner that she best can muster... I told her it was nothing... She's not good at being 'motherly' but its not her fault... Sometimes I might be angry about it... but I try to understand that its just her...

Today I saw the silver lining... Foolish as it may be... I found the other side of the coin called possibility... Maybe its a land from another time and in another place... but I saw my clouds clear a little today...

But this thing isn't like a coin I guess... more like a multi-sided dice... Hm... wonder which side will be facing up...

But I shall trust my Father, trust my friends, most of all trust her...

Everywhere I look, I see...
Shut my eyes, still I see...
Video or picture?
black and white or colour?
Mono or stereo?
Still I watch...







somewhere over the rainbow...


*edit*
england is so disappointing... 15 mins and 2 down... waste time... if they somehow still fight back and get through... then good for them... but now I rather go sleep

Watched heroes... And I can't believe Times Square New York actually reminded me of a place half way round the world... All things seem to lead me to the same place...

a picture that hangs in my head...

Soon... few more hours...





so slow... yet here I am now...

It felt so bad, I decided to go for a walk... I realized my swimming pool sounds more like a raging torrent than a quiet stream...

It didn't help much... I just kept thinking... it only provided my legs something to do... and after a while I wasn't even aware of where I was walking anymore...

The moon hung in the night as wisp of clouds drifted lazily by. My heart not matching the pace I saw. I only hope my body doesn't give up. I'm sorry body, just a little bit more kay?

I wondered if you saw the moon. I wondered if you were filled. I know how good food could make you feel better. That and shopping. Hopefully you bought a lot. even if you were not thinking... just having a smile on your face is enough I guess...

These two days I've felt so cold. both on the outside and the inside...

Why oh soul do you writhe in such agony? Is it because of the worry? Is it because of the indignation? Are are plagued by concern? Or is it because of love?
What can afflict you so with pain and restlessness? Why do your days seem to be like months? The future is not for your choosing, my soul. All you can do is to trust her and her Father.


The only good from the walk seemed to be that can of soya bean milk that I down. Much needed fluids and energy.

I wonder where you are...







longest of days...

Even sleep is hard to find... napping for half an hours is annoying... Your words keep waking me up...

what a liar~ weaver of pretence~ you actually had the gumption... unbelievable...
In the end whatever happened years ago and this march, you're just causing it to happen again... Repeating the cycle and just hurting the other.

Love is determined by the actions not just the words. Words of love followed by actions of betrayal point to a love that is incomplete and lacking... Where was the kindness in your actions? You went one extreme to best suit your liking and as and when you feel pleased about it you just waltzed right back... Congrats... your schemes worked...

I just wonder what if things had worked out differently for you this june. If she had decided otherwise... what would you then now tell the first? while she waited for you, you were playing with fire elsewhere.

Warning after warning was given. Tell, let her know. Yet till this day, you hide. In the excuse of protecting her but really I think you're protecting youself, giving yourself an excuse. You live in your own world, not see-ing that your actions in little ways matched your words. You forget, there is a common point, everything is related. The common point was you. Whatever you did, you affected so many and yet you justify it with a wave of your hand.

Two words. Grow Up.

-------


even saying it... still a weight upon my shoulders...

do nice guys always finish last?











burdens so heavy...

my mom scolds me for wasting her money by not eating the dinner that she buys, and for spending so much time in the house... I wish she knew what I felt...

I've finished three years... I really dreaded reaching november... Things made more sense...

I wish that I had a chance to show you that you can get the sunshine without the rain, the blue skies without the storm clouds. That the love you think you can only get, can actually be found without the heartache... if only...

many sad songs I found today on my brother's itunes, just the way I liked it...

I wonder if you see the same skies as I am... probably not, I'm not even facing the right way...
are you walking down that street I remember? Or sitting in that ferry? Maybe going up that hill top or that long row of escalators? Are you smiling or frowning? what are you thinking?

I lament the timing of everything... if only I stepped out earlier... if only I could have known you longer...

I can't believe its only tuesday evening... it has been an eternity...

My heart races and I don't know if its just labouring to carry on...

love is not just about feelings or an idea. Its about Truth and truth.

I pray
Dear God,
may you work things out... and speak your Word... That in the end, only You may be number one in her heart... Guide her through Lord, to help her find her happiness and love in You. Walk with her the streets of hongkong. Hold her if she cries. Rejoice with her if she laughs. Watch over her as she sleeps... Never leave her side Lord. Your precious daughter needs you and I pray that Lord you'll answer her calls and be her comfort, shelter, wisdom, strong tower, renewing strength, faith, love, hope and joy. Lord, I believe you understand her heart best, and Lord help her to see herself through your lens. That whatever lies the devil may veil her eyes with, that Lord your wisdom will prevail. Your will be done in her life. Shield her, oh Lord, You who are a father to the fatherless. place your hand of love upon her shoulder. And carry her, to let her know that Your love and grace is more than enough, always.

The 'angel' will return soon. But if its your desire, grant him the strength to love her. That through it, your 'angel' will channel your love and Your love alone. Help your 'angel' to trust in you as well.

Lord, watch over your beloved...
and your "angel's" as well...

Amen.








conflict...

Okay, I think I'll step back... I've been too in-your-face. not like the pressure of my added presence is necessary...

So when you're ready, under your own conditions... you pick now okay?

I'll wait... even if it takes a life-time... I'll still be around...










the rhythm of the beat of my heart in the silence and darkness...

You laughter echoes and resonates,
your anger hits me like a wave
your smile shines through the screen
your sadness reaches out...

I started three years ago and worked my way to the present.
Every word resonated, every smiley shined, and every song reverbrated.
I read your story and I wish you would read it too... some of the words on the screen seemed like what I wanted to say...
it was not easy and I'm not yet done.

But for a moment I could feel your happiness, sadness, anger, lonliness, bitterness, hopelessness, anticipation, gratitude and more...
my heart soared and fell with yours.
2005, 2006 and of course 2007.

it was a journey that seemed hard at times, and at other times I breezed through. Your cares and concerns. Worries and hopes.

but thats just in one day. Rather a companion, I was just a viewer. But I realised I remembered entries much earlier than I thought I did. Things happened faster than I remembered. I saw you swing from point to point. always running below in case while swinging you fell...

in the end, even if you don't hear the words I have to say, listen to the words of esther and the others and take their advice. We're not out to control you, we just care too dang much...

I'm thinking of you, but I don't think I will cross your mind.
am I invisible?







safety nets... logic and reasons...

I'm going to make an exception to the previous post...

Horrid day... Where things are hanging out but not resolved... having done or said stupid things...

If you read this, I hope I haven't spoiled what should have been a good week for you... I feel like I've opened a can of worms... and did to you what you did to me... darn my control... I only hope you can forget it and still enjoy your trips...

it was all avoidable... if the bus had been faster yesterday...

well... at least the knife is fully in now... and though I hope what follows will make things better... I guess I better cross no fingers......






laughter and smiles...

I decided to post only happy things here... no point in laying out how I really feel... whats the point...

So... see you the next time I actually get a respite from the misery...

Today was disastrous.... I screwed up every possible things I could... Now only a miracle will see me pass my first sem...

Even buying stuff did not really cheer me up... Got some new audio gear... and I was excited to get them... now I feel ashamed to be wasting my mom's money... sianz...

Haiz~~

And I think the worse thing is I think that I'm not feeling as bad as I should be... I should feel worse, more guilt, more sorrow... but not really either... has my heart been that blunted?

cannot let go yet... must try to carry on...

I can't decide... I just mostly feel restless I guess... neither sad nor happy, moping or dancing...
heeee... :D:D:D:D :(:(:(

hahahz
getting out of point I guess... should have lumped everything into one post... but clicking create new post is much easier...

guess I better sleep...





smiles all around...

I feel like I'm on a damn roller coaster... and I hate roller coasters...

Been kinda hard to sleep... just thinking I guess... trying to strike a balance between stupidity and stupidity. feel kinda neurotic...

uncontrollable urge to rant and rave... all the verbal vomit getting swallowed time and again...

where's my outlet.... dang...






balancing the tight rope...

There's a wall I can't seem to cross... my reality never really fitting my ideal...
I am dreaming of crazy things...

Nothing worth having is going to be easy...

-------------------------

exams

stupid actions

-------------------------

Creative sale!






rolling along...

A rampant cold and no school makes for a really slow day. Its actually kinda isolating and lonely like... A rising awareness that I was the only one at home.

I hope the cold goes soon... maybe I should sleep earlier... hm... thats quite a novel idea... HahhahaA:D

Finally the show is over. Okay larh not so bad, but quite funny though.

so glad because you're glad:)

shall go back to waiting for the Mac Man.





ladidar... so restless...

I've had a pleasant day to say the least. Except for this blasted cold I've got... I sound so muffled...

Today everything just seems so fine and dandy... I resist saying it was fantastic in case people get mistaken that I am misunderstanding things... neither would I say it was disastrous, because I will not let the inner demons run wild...
If things are as they are now, I'll be glad... should always be content and not be greedy... its always nice to have lunch together...

-----------

Exams~ Sianzz... must tahan... soon... soon...






sweet sound of laughter...

I feel just a wee bit better today... Large parts due to Manchester United and of course the lovely Jenna Wong Chong Jen (shall find out the pronounciation).

Friendship always trumps advice, logic and reason.
Action wins words any day.

-------------------

btw, its the 200th post!!
*fireworks and confetti*
*pops champagne*

Its been a long way. And at the risk of sounding like an old fogey, I've seen the long way I've come. More than a year ago I set up this blog as a way of ranting and expressing views. People have come and gone, and I've climbed highs and lows. I have moved on from one girl to another and then quite unknowingly to another. I've made new friends, started a new chapter and embarked on new adventures. I've went overseas for the first time without my family, church camp as well.

I've contemplated changing the blog's layout but fizzled out after a while. Dabbled with new programs such as photoshop and after effects. Got a new computer that is somewhat respectable enough to play games. Joined facebook. And many many more actually.

Yet, I'm still that bungling idiot. Mood swings. Crazy ideas. Wild stunts. Point where I don't even understand myself. Hopefully, I'm still nice and caring, albeit in an over-the-top kind of way. Perpetual worrier. Excessive hoper. Non-stop thinker. Quiet and reserved. Loud and obnoxious.

So much change yet so same (I really sound like an old fogey).

Ok... off to sleep... its like 6 in the morning...

---------------

Man U are through! 4-0!

---------------

Last 3 episodes...






whats in that head of yours?

crushed






1 more...

Today I feel like I've been surrounded by walls. My words echoing in the silence. My words like a vapor, noticed by few.

One of those days that could be better.

Early in the day, thought a hug would be nice. Or a back rub. Or just a touch.

---------

Much work suddenly.

---------

Nothing to be bad about...
Surely I shouldn't be everywhere, at everytime bah...

---------

Massive celebrations...

Green voice do not speak!

I must know my place...








2 more!!