Am I a beast? Maybe not even so...

But please do know where I'm coming from... I just watched King kong. The 2005 one. So the beast I refer to is kong...

I pray you've watched it so you cannot understand what I mean. Kong is a beast nobler than most of us will be. He loved and he fought for it. He gave his life for it. On the exterior he may looked the beast but inside lies beauty untold. He couldn't speak english but his heart communicated love.

I feel like a beast sometimes. Alone. Just me and my God and a beautiful sunset viewed from a cliff high up. Of course I have my friends, the t-rex, the huge bats, giant insects and other ancient dinosaurs. But then its all not complete. Something is missing. And when it comes, I'll know it. I'll fight for it.

But then I dare not compare in that aspect. I dare not say I will match Kong's devotion, dedication and most of all sacrifice. I only dare hope that when such a time comes, I can match my ideals. Perhaps when I have such a chance, I'll take it.

But for now I sit on my cliff with my God, looking at the beautiful sun set in the horizon...





Trusting in my God...

Its amazing of fast and sudden you can feel vulnerable. How invincibility can be stripped from you so fast. Sometimes you just feel being young means being invincible. Never realizing how whimsical life can be. Now that tragedy has struck. You just feel vulnerable.

Just like how the americans must have felt when the two planes crashed into the trade center. Just like how the students at virginia tech must have felt. Like how the friends and family of the girl that got swept by the canal waters, felt.

And watching idol gives back. I know more needs to be done. just like the lyrics for "Solution" from All of the Above.

Solution

It is not a human right
to stare not fight
while broken nations dream
Open up our eyes so blind that we might find the mercy for the need.

Hey now fill our hearts with Your compassion
Hey now as we hold to our confession

It is not too far a cry
too much to try
and help the least of these.
Politics will not decide is we should rise and be Your hands and feet.

Hey now fill our hearts with Your compassion
Hey now as we hold to our confession

WOAH! God be the solution
WOAH! And we will be Your hands and feet.






my place...

I am alive.

Truly.




Grand schemes and plans...

I paused to see

I paused to think

Many things seemed devoid of worth and value.

Why work? Why watch a movie? why read a book? Why have a family? Why labour? Why have fun?

All things shall pass. This body shall return to that from which it came. All that'll be left, a spiritual status that is only vaguely defined.

What is life then?

a collection of moments? a passing of time?

Let me clarify. Not sad, just thinking.

*Selah*

One word, just one word. He will and has defined all things.
All things are arbitrary.

Just one constant.




Purpose driven...

What we have here is a failure to communicate. Apparently internal mail memo is not working out well. I just don't understand myself.

I amaze myself. I worry myself. I stun myself. I surprise myself.

Half of me operates apart from the other. The other half kinda just looks at the train wreck.

I really should read the internal memos....





Wackiness...

I just adore Zoe Wanda Hammie and Darryl. Calvin and Hobbes. Comics that I've been reading a lot of lately. Of course Baby Blues now have Wren also but the ones I've found in the library are mostly older ones. I love the spin they put on family life, playing on stereotypes and putting fresh perspective on common ideas. I like the way that no matter what happens, whoever gets who angry, or the the strain of daily life, you can always count on them to stay together. To stick together as a family through thick and thin.

I guess that arises from having came from a divorced family. Though I wouldn't dare say I was too young to know anything. I sorta knew most of what was happening. But I feign ignorance cause I guess at 12 you can't really know how to react. Esp when I'm supposed to be the "Man of the House" when I had never saw a razor, had no clue about CPF and taxes and really did not have much cares besides completing my video games and trying to survive PSLE.

So I REALLY dream of a family. Or having one. I'm scared as hell about living up to be the best husband or father but I'm determined I'll do my best.

Then I realised I must learn life first. The little things. Working hard, being diligent, being nice to people, helping to carry people's weights while learning to share mine. Being faithful, loyal consistent, kind and loving. To invite wisdom to dwell in my life and let God be my guide.

Learning life well so that next time, I can teach my kids to live life well too.

Its not easy. I still trip up now and then. Failing to my baser instincts. Letting my desire for family and companionship carry me away. And then seeking an instant cure for it.

<><><><><><><><>

Lord give me the patience.
To live out my time in Yours.
To not rush the preparation
or to hesitate at the time of action.
So my life will not be too raw
or overcooked.
That my life may be feast to all I know.
Filling the life of others with joy
and Your spirit.
Pour forth thy grace and mercy.

Amen




Living it at 1x speed...

It was good

Somethings better than I expected.

Not perfect but few things are.

friendship is a blessed treasure.

An urge to be hugged




hug?

Remember the dream I mentioned yesterday? I'm still thinking about it. About that girl. It brings a whole new meaning to "girl of my dreams". I think I caught a glimpse of what she is like, The girl that appeared in my dreams. It wasn't exactly as I remembered in my dream but it was somewhat there.

Maybe the real "girl of my dreams" is out there. Maybe I've walked past her a thousand times and never realised. Heard her voice in the midst of the crowd and never knew. Brush my hand past hers and never felt.

~~~~~~~~

I've never known you
yet I've been with you a thousand years.
I've never heard your voice
yet it soothes me in my sleep.

I've never held your hand
yet I feel the warmth of your grip.
I've never seen those eyes
yet their gentleness calms me in the storm.

I've never held you
yet your embrace comforts my emptiness.
I've never kissed you
yet the sweetness of your lips quells the bitterness in me.

A stranger but close
A mystery but clear
A moment but forever
A hope yet fulfilled.

Surely I've kissed you
embraced you
seen your eyes
held your hand
heard your voice.
Though you're a stranger that dwells in the future
and my dreams,
surely

I know you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

in the arms of the one unseen, love carried the cross that was meant for me, and I know, you'll never let me go...

I have a dream!

Well, more exactly, I HAD a dream. A good dream no doubt. The kind that lingers in your soul even after you wake up. The kind where you can hear the echoes of the dream resonating down the corridors of your heart. The kind that leaves a sweet aftertaste in your mind.

The kind that makes you wish you could dream it again. The kind that makes you want to go back to sleep in hopes of continuing it. The kind that stays on your mind even as you go through your day. The kind that makes you wish as your sleep the next day that it will come again. But ultimately it's the kind that fades with time.

"Time is a gentle man"

Well, happiness always seems to pass a bit too fast. But the hope keeps us going.

-----------------------

Still I knock. The door remains shut but for a tiny crack. I see only so much. I cannot reach.





wanting to bear...